Painting

Well, the painting was short lived. I pained (most) of one bed room. No trim. Out of paint. Have asked about it a few times. No actual response yet. Soon I hope. End definitely in sight. Need to finish this first, if possible. 

Started prep and painting today. Holes filled in LR, 2 & 3 bdrms, 2 bath & hallway and foyer. Painted only wall without damages. Only 7 FT up.

Another chpt ending

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road. -Green Day. 

Today is the last day if my 2 year zoo membership. I wanted to take Mak, but maybe she has had enough of that life. 

I've had it for 10 years, since moving to Jax after the (of course) failed stint at the Disney College Program, which I started after graduating from ASU in the end of 2002. 

This was my last tie to normality. Of course, how normal with Lisa Perry listed as my other adult. 

It has been a weird fall. Needlessly protracted. It could have ended quickly near the end of 2010. Instead, it has dragged on for another 3 years. 

I guess I am mostly sad because during the extension I was adjudicated a criminal. 

Of course, I had some experiences and felt some things I had not since early 2005. But to what end? 

After all of it, I am left wanting. That was something I no longer felt after mid2008. 

Gift given or accursed? I guess it is hard to say. The misery I feel would leave me to judge it accursed. An accursed gift? 

Oh. Today I let the Internet be shut off here in summer pines. It is less, "let" and more, "no $$$."

Weird. 

Oct 30, 2013 (a)

On this date, I will have been living 20 years with this disease. That is too long. It has dictates the how, what, where, when and why of my life. More so then diabetes (1997). More so than Bipolar (2009, suspected 1998). 

I can not see making it beyond that date. 

I received my last treatment of Remicade on April 29. Now I have to wait. And suffer. 

Update, 5/2013

I've made it this far. I've succeeded, I think, by setting smaller periods to make it through- April & my parent's visit was big. June & Mark's wedding is also big. After that, I feel the freedom to act at anytime. I am still searching for other reason's to continue. 

Please be silent, my mind

I cannot take it. It is a great battle. I'm just trying to hold on for another 100 days.

My Greatest Regret

My greatest regret in life is my own intellectual laziness. I didn't take the necessary steps, early on, that would have protected me from myself, allowed me to avoid the maelstrom of events that led me into my current predicament. What free, thinking human being of the 21 century would live under these terms and conditions?

Mine is a life of misery. But is the misery resultant of the life I live, or causal? I must break free of this situation. I'm not sure why I continue here. I long for death. Surely this is an existential flaw. But I desire relief from this ongoing mental anguish.

But we are taught suicide is wrong. I know one thing, it is not easy to accomplish. I have tried twice now, without success, firs in 1997 and then in 2005. If I am on an 8 year cycle, I'm again due with the coming of 2013. But why the strong urge for suicide? I fight against it- even though I feel like I desire it with every fiber of my being.

People say it is irrational thinking that leads to the desire to end your own life. But I have examined it logically, and it seems to be the best option (the other being the option to continue living).

I wondered about suicide in the animal kingdom. There have been serious studies. A google search yields this quote:

"You begin to challenge the definition of suicide. The body and mind are so damaged by stress and so it leads to self destruction. It's not necessarily even a choice," Ramsden told Discovery News.

The article talks about whales beaching themselves. A Newfoundland that tried to drown itself (it eventually succeeded). Pea aphids that will implode to prevent a lady bug from harming other pea aphids. Worker ants that seal off the colony for the outside, protecting those within while sacrificing itself.

Many of the examples, the being ending it is doing so for a seemingly higher purpose. What would be my higher purpose?

Hopelessness. It permeates my thoughts. I am so alone. And lonely. And there doesn't seem to be a cure for this problem. Drugs to quiet my mind. I have avoided them. I mourn for my cousin, Johnny. These drugs have silenced his mind, kept him alive, but at what cost to his person? And now, with the passing of his parents, what is to become of him?

I have no progeny. And although evolutionary biology makes me wish I had, I know that it was the best choice to not pass on the DNA that makes me physically and mentally defective. DNA is a funny thing. Neither of my parents exhibit any of my physical or mental defects, so it is as if the genetics went haywire.

Soon it will end. I have been physically suffering for almost 20 years now. And mentally for over 15 years. That's long enough. Soon, an ending. If only I had not been lazy early on. I could have been better positioned to deal with these defects.