Please be silent, my mind

I cannot take it. It is a great battle. I'm just trying to hold on for another 100 days.

My Greatest Regret

My greatest regret in life is my own intellectual laziness. I didn't take the necessary steps, early on, that would have protected me from myself, allowed me to avoid the maelstrom of events that led me into my current predicament. What free, thinking human being of the 21 century would live under these terms and conditions?

Mine is a life of misery. But is the misery resultant of the life I live, or causal? I must break free of this situation. I'm not sure why I continue here. I long for death. Surely this is an existential flaw. But I desire relief from this ongoing mental anguish.

But we are taught suicide is wrong. I know one thing, it is not easy to accomplish. I have tried twice now, without success, firs in 1997 and then in 2005. If I am on an 8 year cycle, I'm again due with the coming of 2013. But why the strong urge for suicide? I fight against it- even though I feel like I desire it with every fiber of my being.

People say it is irrational thinking that leads to the desire to end your own life. But I have examined it logically, and it seems to be the best option (the other being the option to continue living).

I wondered about suicide in the animal kingdom. There have been serious studies. A google search yields this quote:

"You begin to challenge the definition of suicide. The body and mind are so damaged by stress and so it leads to self destruction. It's not necessarily even a choice," Ramsden told Discovery News.

The article talks about whales beaching themselves. A Newfoundland that tried to drown itself (it eventually succeeded). Pea aphids that will implode to prevent a lady bug from harming other pea aphids. Worker ants that seal off the colony for the outside, protecting those within while sacrificing itself.

Many of the examples, the being ending it is doing so for a seemingly higher purpose. What would be my higher purpose?

Hopelessness. It permeates my thoughts. I am so alone. And lonely. And there doesn't seem to be a cure for this problem. Drugs to quiet my mind. I have avoided them. I mourn for my cousin, Johnny. These drugs have silenced his mind, kept him alive, but at what cost to his person? And now, with the passing of his parents, what is to become of him?

I have no progeny. And although evolutionary biology makes me wish I had, I know that it was the best choice to not pass on the DNA that makes me physically and mentally defective. DNA is a funny thing. Neither of my parents exhibit any of my physical or mental defects, so it is as if the genetics went haywire.

Soon it will end. I have been physically suffering for almost 20 years now. And mentally for over 15 years. That's long enough. Soon, an ending. If only I had not been lazy early on. I could have been better positioned to deal with these defects.

2012 is gone

I really did not think I would make it out of 2012. But I held on. Not sure why, or how much longer I can hold on.

Welcome 2013.

The song remains the same. The year begins infested with PsA. Skin and joints both heavily involved.

Diabetes is unchecked (478). Was so good during Vegan period. Return to Veganism today.

This year, major event was leg infection. Aunt Elvi & Uncle Jack's passing were big, too.

15 yr Summary:
1998: returned to Fla
1999: lumps in both sides of Chest, stopped working
2000: severe PsA (SSDI)
2001: established Az residency
2002: graduated ASU
2003: worked WDW, Johnny returned to insurance
2004: Citizens
2005: car accident
2006: custody of Mak
2007: Danielle died, graduated FSU
2008: begin of Mental issues (Dec-manic)
2009: DUI (May), Bipolar diagnosis (July)
2010: bad check firing, erythrodermic P
2011: (SSDI), Felony Check conviction, Tara died
2012: Leg infection, Uncle Jack & Aunt Elvi died

1 Yr Ann of Tara's passing~ from TU Guestbook

August 09, 2011
Tara, there are no words to express the loss your passing has created. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life. Mark, Matthew and Andrew, I love you guys and look forward to seeing you all soon.

— Joe Vautrin, Atlantic Beach, Florida

Here we are

Another sleepless night, I'm not sure what to make of it So tired, still I cannot sleep Treatment in the morning Always hopeful!

And yet, I pray daily for death to come. To free me from this misery. Pain, physical, mental, spiritual.

I do hope to at least make the trip to Texas. I hope I die out there. I just don't know how much more of this I can take.

Please. End. Now.

Ending. Where you at, dog?
My mind in a continual fog.
New element: constant abuse.
At this point, what's the use?

Cannot expect it to happen naturally.
Nor in my cards, fortuity.
So I must carefully plan.
Since others refuse to understand.

No notes, no clues.
An ending, rather, of this abuse.
This life an effrontery,
To the most basic of human decency.

Body broken, and my mind
Given all, yet called unkind.
By the one who promised magik;
If that's what this is, you can have it.

You should have left me as I was found
At least by now I'd be in the ground.
Or in an box, maybe an urn;
Either way, free from this earth.

Your pettiness, and my pain;
This futility, exercise in vain.
From nothing, nothing returned;
When, you may ask, will I learn?

All I have given, still;
You say nere from me to pay bills?
Nothing left to give.
No good reason to live.

Let me go. A patch that has finally worn.
Please, for me, do not morn.
DO NOT! I forbid you.
Especially after what you put me through.

Silent Darkness

All at once darkness.
All at once silence.
Darkness disturbed by a bright flash.
Note the variety of colors.
Silence disturbed by a cacophony.
Try and isolate the various sounds.
Flashes fade.
Sounds disappear.
A return to the silent darkness.