Contentment in Middle age

It seems like in our society there is such an emphasis on happiness. Love will make is happy. Things will make is happy.

But these are probably myths. So much of how we respond to external stimuli is based on genetic programming and conditioning. Nature & Nurture. 

I never realized love until it found me. It was not something I was looking for at the time. And now I live without it. Not by choice, but because it is outside my reach. I mean to say that before that, I had 3 serious relationships. 2 that nearly led to marriage. But I never felt about those women even one iota of what I feel for this last girl. Yes, still feel. It's a crazy thing.  

I have had 'things.' Some did make me happy.  But that was less permanent then the feeling of Love. 

I consider myself lucky to be alive. And I have a very decent life. I consider my self lucky to have felt love from this woman, even while realizing that she was not for me. Not in any type of permanent way, anyway. And here I am 1 year removed and I recently have been having crazy dreams involving her. Digging holes. Carrying buckets of water and filling those holes. Weird shit. 

I have had a kid living with me for just over 5 weeks now in a foster situation. This kid now occupies a great deal of my time and thoughts. This weekend I will be taking him to Walt Disney World for the first time. He is being added to a long like of kids that I have given the joy of Disney to. 3 Nieces. 4 kids of friends. 2 kids belonging to the woman above. None my own. 

Approaching Middle Age next week (45), I am content. I have lived a good life.