To this day, I Feel nothing nothing but Joy when I think of you. Where there should be saddness- nothing but complete and overwhelming joy; Where there should be emptiness- I am overflowing; instead of a hole in my heart, there is nothing but a bursting & pulsating fullness of joy.
I was so undeserving. I came with nothing to give- shrouded completely in blackness, a broken mind and a broken body. And yet you gave and gave and gave, perhaps until there was no more to give. You gave something I did not know to seek- something I would not think to ask- something I definitely did not deserve.
Should I be sad at the loss of something so grand? Maybe, but I feel no loss. Instead, it is the memory of moments, conversation, laughter, silliness, feeling, thought, and even touch that fills my heart. I am not sad it did not continue- how could it?- with my poisoned mind and body. That it was held onto as long as it was- was likely too much.
Today I still struggle with both poisoned mind and body. But as there has been for a long time, there is an ebb and flow. The torment- it is always there. When the darkness is waning- right at the apogee- I am bathed completely in the light of my time with and the memory of you. I am so full of joy in those moments. I am experiencing such a moment right now. I realize that the waxing of the darkness will commence- I was deep in it not so long ago- but I hold onto this joy as long as I can and it is a longing for this joy that sustains me through the darkest times. But while in the light of this joy, I simply wanted to say thanks. Thank you, so much for your completeness.
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