The new normal

Me & the Kid. Out and about. 

1st sem, 4.11 GPA. 

Since then, the trouble, then a slide. 

4thQ has started. Last chance to make good. 

I'm eating at the Waffle House. Just so the Kid can see his brother. 

No alcohol. Before 1am. What am I doing here? Oh yeah, the Kid. 

I had a BLT. Not the worst thing I ever ate.  The server is both attentive and friendly. 

I'm trying to convince the brother to spend time with the Kid tomorrow. He's busy. Has his own obligations. Maybe. 

Otherwise, another evening in the van for the Kid. Not the best thing for him. 

Chelsea tonight (1st time in over 1 year)

How weird has my life been. 

I finally decided to enter the real world. 

I will watch Chelsea Handler tonight. First time in more then a year. I miss watching Chelsea much more then I miss sex, but quite a bit less then I miss (her) touch. 

Food is no longer brining me enjoyment. 

I have to send box that gives me baseball back to seller tomorrow. It simply doesn't work. 

No sex-no touch-no food-no baseball. At least I'll have Chelsea. 

Sleep

I've been sleeping more and more over the past three weeks. 

I had 3 days of 5 hours of sleep 2 weeks ago. 

In Texas last week, I had 5 days where I slept 5-7 hours. 

This week, I slept 6, 7, & 10 1/4 hours on consecutive days!!

Also, my right eye has been leaking fluid every time the back of my head is on the pillow (crying?). It's weird, because I have not cried in a very long time. And if it is crying, it is not about anything physical (pain) or emotional. 

But it is constant. Every time

. 

Contentment in Middle age

It seems like in our society there is such an emphasis on happiness. Love will make is happy. Things will make is happy.

But these are probably myths. So much of how we respond to external stimuli is based on genetic programming and conditioning. Nature & Nurture. 

I never realized love until it found me. It was not something I was looking for at the time. And now I live without it. Not by choice, but because it is outside my reach. I mean to say that before that, I had 3 serious relationships. 2 that nearly led to marriage. But I never felt about those women even one iota of what I feel for this last girl. Yes, still feel. It's a crazy thing.  

I have had 'things.' Some did make me happy.  But that was less permanent then the feeling of Love. 

I consider myself lucky to be alive. And I have a very decent life. I consider my self lucky to have felt love from this woman, even while realizing that she was not for me. Not in any type of permanent way, anyway. And here I am 1 year removed and I recently have been having crazy dreams involving her. Digging holes. Carrying buckets of water and filling those holes. Weird shit. 

I have had a kid living with me for just over 5 weeks now in a foster situation. This kid now occupies a great deal of my time and thoughts. This weekend I will be taking him to Walt Disney World for the first time. He is being added to a long like of kids that I have given the joy of Disney to. 3 Nieces. 4 kids of friends. 2 kids belonging to the woman above. None my own. 

Approaching Middle Age next week (45), I am content. I have lived a good life. 

Presidents' Day Anniversary (of the end)

It's been a year. A year without your touch. A year without your entertaining stories and ideas. 

It was hard at first. I always told you, from fhe beginning, that there was no way it could last. It was simply "too nuts."

It was to far outside the norm. Plus I simply had too many things wrong. 

But there were times that it was so good. Bordering in Perfect. Too good to be able to hold on to. Except in my memories. 

So much was given to me during that time. I recall a statement, is is better to have loved and lost or to have never loved at all? It was better to have loved. It was the most wonderful of feelings. I think of the things I thought then and amazing things happen inside me. In my head, but also throughout my entire body. 

There is only one thing I can say:

THANK YOU. You are an amazing woman. Perfect in every way. The time I spent with you was the most fulfilling, most enriching, most satisfying time of my life. I have loved. It was you. And always will be you. 

I am so sad today, but nearing Peace

The final shreds of my so called life are unravelling. 

I've been over 4 Mos off the Facebook. I went on to vote for and post a link to Brooks Doritos Commercial Video. I was signed in for 3 days. It was odd to see the news feed. People were still carrying on in exactly the same manner they were over 120 days ago. 

Today, I was cut deeply by both a friend and a family member. 2 of the people that I still have regular contact. The contact is forced in nature and after being slighted, will be both awkward and strained. 

I'm almost completely closed off. Almost completely cut off. I'm sure the end is soon. I'm ready, mentally. Realizing there is nothing left, peace is settling in. Peace. 

Nov 23- Veg meal plan, Day 1

Today I started again on the veg kick. Not completely vegan, but mostly. I am going to attempt to outline meals, including prep, cost & satisfaction.

Meal 1

Chik'n Jambalaya with 32 oz Powerade

Meal Cost: $1.46 (Chik'n $0.58, Rice $0.25, Powerade $0.63)

Ingredients:

Bag of Gardein Chik'n Scallopini

Publix, $4.29; BOGO, PLUS $1 Coupons.

Package price, $1.15, 4 pieces

Box of Zatatain's Jambalaya Mix

Publix, 10/$10. 

Package price $1. 

Prep time 30 min

Preheat oven on broil, to 375°. 

2 1/2 cups of water in pot to boil. 

When water boiling, add rice box to water, return to boil, then on low for 25 min, stirring occasionally. 

I cooked 3 bags of Chik'n at once. This will allow me to have Chik'n ready for the next 5 meals. 

When temp at 375°, Chik'n in oven for 10 min, flip Chik'n, then cook 5 more min. 

Two pieces of Chik'n, 1/4 rice mix, 32 oz Powerade Zero. 

Cal 440, P 33, NCarb 35, F 9.6, DFib 5.25

It was delicious. The key to using these vegan protein substitutes is the flavor of the addins, in this case the rice, but also sauces. Some of the sauces will inflate the pricing of these meals, but justifiably so.