October's here

How can a month fil one with raging fury and deathly fear? 

Here we are again, October. It was in Oct1992 I was first afflicted with PsA. 

It was in Oct2010 I first was completely covered (95+%) with erythrodermic Psoriasis. 

It was the last 2 Sept (2012, 2013) I got infection in my lower left leg/foot. This year (so far) I've stayed out of hospital. 

Financially, not much change 2010-2013. End of month, balances in accounts are mere cents. 

That's $0.36. 

One thing I have been very good about avoiding has been overdraft fees. 

It seems like I can hope for reg work with GoWaiter CoSpr and with Stephens Advertising. Combined possibly in excess of $200.00/week. That would allow me to start paying back for the transmission repairs. 

Agenda for month

Finish painting rooms, bathrooms, great room. Not likely to get kitchen. 

Reseat toilet in hallway bath. 

Get grass in back cut down with weed wacker. 

Do something about bushes on south side of house behind fence. 

Sunday eves- Drive Brooks 3:00-8:30

Mon middays- GoWaiter 12:30-6:30

Tues late afternoon- Andrew 3:15-6:15

Wed mid afternoon- Drive Andrew 3:15-3:45

Thurs middays- GoWaiter 12:30-6:30;

Andrew 3:15-6:15

Fri eves- Drive Brooks 3:00-8:30

Sat-- off

Expectations (??)

GoWaiter (atypical)

Stephens (atypical)

Costs

Ongoing costs of foot injury ??

Check and Go payday loan $555.00

Transmission $2,400 bal

Debt to parents $1,900 bal

Cremation costs (Neptune Society) $1.400

Curse you, October

October is coming 

The dreaded month 

For the second year in a row, I have a an infection in my lower left leg in the month September 

last year, it was in my ankle; this year it's in the sole of my foot

I have achieved complete isolation. 

I continue to contemplate my missteps. 

In the end, all my giving left me with nothing. 

So I take my final descent, knowing I gave everything. A peaceful passage is all I seek. 

So much physical pain. It is really strange how much more bearable this pain was in 2010. I had that false, dreadful condition-- Hope. But that hope certainly alleviated some of this pain. 

Dignity. It is something we as a species strive towards. 

I am without dignity as I await my fate. 

October. Most hated of months. I wish I didn't have to see you again. But here you are. Hopefully the last time I cross your page. I have battled you for 21 years now, Black Month. 

Your torture of me has gone on long enough. Oh, if I knew then what I know now. I used to love you, October. My favorite holiday became the accursed day. Oh, Halloween. No longer fit to enjoy you.

My favorite month now the most dreaded. Baseball glory. The playoffs + World Series. But you are overshadowed by this dreadful anniversary. If only I had been allowed to slip silently in 2010. 

Now, isolated, I suffer this indignity alone. The mess. The ripping. The blood. The pain. Nothing left. Except to wait. Alone. 

Day 38

Day 37 was a very good day. Certainly the best in the last 30. I started part time temporary work at a company called GoWaiter Colorado Springs in CoSpr, Co. 

My sister Patricia & her husband own the company. My sister Rebecca pretty much runs the company. From Allen, Texas. 

I actually got to work Monday & Wednesday. Wed was a split shift, some lunch and some dinner hours. Rebecca thinks she is going to limit me to helping out on Monday & Thursday lunch shifts. 

She gave me $150 for helping out. 

Tues, day 38. Foot doc visit. Pharmacy visit. Nightmare. More antibiotics. Pricing just at the edge of out of reach. Doc said next visit, grafts. That's not until 10/8. 

King Henry IV

Also late Sat nt/early Sun morn, I watched Shakespeare's Richard II. although historical fiction, after reading some history about it, a lot of it was true. 

More intruiging to me was the fact that King Henry IV died at 46 due to complications due to Psoriasis. Of course, psoriasis wasn't a named disease in the 14th century. Still, I'm hoping it finally is my ending. 

I've never felt so alone. Patti texts me that Mak was trying to get Patti to bring her down to New Port Richey this weekend. Fuck that. I'm so sad. 

It's JP's bday. I've heard nothing about his party. Sad. 

Begin of week 6.

It's been 5 weeks since the begin of the end. 

Weird weekend. 

Fri-Sat nights, tried to "act" like dying man and recite lines for Brooks latest short film, Be Squared Production's The Case of J. Valdemar, produced for Norman Studios (Jacksonville) competition featuring films based on the works of Edgar Allen Poe. Also Starring Brooks co-worker, Steve Ritchie (sp?). 

Sunday, I received FaceTime from Mary in the morning. She was on just over 2 hours. Her son injured his heel and is having surgery Mon Morn. His heel bone ruptured in 2. 

For over 20 min, Mary asked questions about my relationship with Lisa (Perry). She asked a number of times about the physical part of the relationship, saying this girl must have loved me to interact with me on that level given my damages. I told Mary I didn't think that was the case. I told her Lisa might have been fond of me, combined with the loneliness she had experienced due to her husband's ongoing infidelity with numerous partners over the years. She disagreed. Finally, I told her I had to go. 

Before & After driving Brooks, which was much longer, I helped Katie Rondeau with Algebra II. She had to correct a test on Absolute Value equations & inequalities. 

Then I went to Mandarin Ale House. I had Mahi Mahi Piccata and a salad. 

Finally, around 12:30, after the steelers lost game 3 of 3 this season, to da Bears, I went to Mandarin Walmart. One of a few still open 24 hours. 

A worker there tracked me down after seeing me earlier. He wanted to ask questions about Psoriasis. His name was John. He has it on his elbows, knees, sometimes the folds of his chest. I told him to go to a doc & ask for Clobetasol Ointment. 

That is the first time (almost 21 years) I have been approached by another Psoriasis sufferer. I had on a long sleeved shirt, but my legs & head (obviously) were exposed. Hmpf. I hope he gets med. it will probably clear him. 

Monday, Patti (really Rebecca) starts trying me out with GoWaiter. We'll see how that goes.  

Jags lost (game 3 of 3) in blow out to Seattle. Yanks lost game 3 to SF after winning 1st 2. 3 is their elimination #, with 3 teams ahead of them. They'd have to jump 2. Like 6 games left. Not likely. 

Get up as Josef Valdemar

I am in agony

b/c of my sadness over the plight of the Syrian people. 

This drought. 

Love those Allen Boys

Just went to wing it with Matthew & Andrew Allen. Got to listen to them talk about now & the future. 

The Syrian issue has really been on my mind. How does a group like Al Queda and Al Nuria take hold? It seems like when the people have no hope. 

Since 2009, Syria has been suffering a severe drought. The response of the world- apathy. It is really very sad. 

I hope that there is a bright America for these boys.