Curse you, October

October is coming 

The dreaded month 

For the second year in a row, I have a an infection in my lower left leg in the month September 

last year, it was in my ankle; this year it's in the sole of my foot

I have achieved complete isolation. 

I continue to contemplate my missteps. 

In the end, all my giving left me with nothing. 

So I take my final descent, knowing I gave everything. A peaceful passage is all I seek. 

So much physical pain. It is really strange how much more bearable this pain was in 2010. I had that false, dreadful condition-- Hope. But that hope certainly alleviated some of this pain. 

Dignity. It is something we as a species strive towards. 

I am without dignity as I await my fate. 

October. Most hated of months. I wish I didn't have to see you again. But here you are. Hopefully the last time I cross your page. I have battled you for 21 years now, Black Month. 

Your torture of me has gone on long enough. Oh, if I knew then what I know now. I used to love you, October. My favorite holiday became the accursed day. Oh, Halloween. No longer fit to enjoy you.

My favorite month now the most dreaded. Baseball glory. The playoffs + World Series. But you are overshadowed by this dreadful anniversary. If only I had been allowed to slip silently in 2010. 

Now, isolated, I suffer this indignity alone. The mess. The ripping. The blood. The pain. Nothing left. Except to wait. Alone.