My so called life…

Periscope… not real. But neither is anything else in my life. 

I'm ready. Tough choice since not currently manic or depressed. Just fed up. Or as I was told by one of my sister's drivers today, I'm just dicking around. Or as my father just said, same shitty attitude. 

Ok. Process commencement soon. I feel so lucky. Blessed even. And at peace. I haven't felt this peace in a few years, and then it was make believe. I'm hoping this is the real thing. 

Periscope 4/3pm-4/4am (5:45am!)

Periscope has changed a lot in the last week. It has gone from voyeurs commanding streamers to show their fridge to showing their (multiple female specific body parts). That last part is rather annoying. 

Today, I was a worldwide voyeur. I listened to four different women monologue or respond to texts through system or interact with others in the environment around them. (I did capture some screen shots)

PERISCOPE LOGO

One was named Lily, in San Franscisco. She went to work, went bowling with a group from work, was in her ultra expensive apt, went out for gelato in SF with her boyfriend. She was personable, entertaining. 

One was named Christina, in LA. She is the CEO of a Virtual Reality content production company. She was also very engaging, interesting. She showed them working on some VR stuff, went to a Magic show, chased her cat around. 

A third woman, Amanda Oleander, is a (mostly) digital artist. She was the one thinking most of how to utilize this medium to her benefit. She had a whole scheme set up, saying she was going to host private Periscope sessions, where she could get to know her followers. She was interesting and entertaining. Also in LA, she does art work for some major TV outfit. She had integrating art work on her website (for sale) and took the viewers through her book collection while waiting for the kettle to boil for tea. 

The last periscope I was involved with was a young girl (23) from Norway named Guro. She was just getting up, which was a contast with the other 3 who were in different stages of getting finished with work to getting ready for bed. She talked and talked and talked about a lot of things. She was pleasant. She had been learning English since kindergarten there in Norway, but said during the stream that she had learned more about English in the last 5 years on YouTube. Apparently she follows Vlogs, one she is a big fan of called Shaytarfs. They are in Idaho. When she was talking about wishing to come to the U.S., she specifically mentioned Idaho and Alaba (b/c of Forrest Gump). Weird how our media impacts people in other countries.

(This is not a screen shot, but I didn't want to leave her out, this pic is from her feed). 

 

There was a 5th periscope, a couple. They went to Magic Montain (6 flags in CA). They were fun, funny, and showed some things there at the park. But something must have creeped the girl out enough during her periscoping that she created a second handle. 

Sounds of Spring

As I sit here in my living room, in the silence and darkness, I hear the sound of a bird chirping emanating from the solarium. 

It is a sound I have not heard in months, but a reminder of the awakening and rebirth that comes with Spring. 

Spring has been in the air a while here, now, as evidenced by the accumulation of pollen on the truck glass when I do leave the house at the end of each week. But this is different. There really is something to those sounds. 

So far, the bird's chirping appears to be a Solo Act. I do love the solarium, a window into the outside plunked down in the center of the house. 

Joy & the Absence of Sorrow sustains me

This was a message I hand-wrote for you today- one I had often thought of sharing, but don't remember ever doing so:

To this day, I Feel nothing nothing but Joy when I think of you. Where there should be saddness- nothing but complete and overwhelming joy; Where there should be emptiness- I am overflowing; instead of a hole in my heart, there is nothing but a bursting & pulsating fullness of joy. 

I was so undeserving. I came with nothing to give- shrouded completely in blackness, a broken mind and a broken body. And yet you gave and gave and gave, perhaps until there was no more to give. You gave something I did not know to seek- something I would not think to ask- something I definitely did not deserve. 

Should I be sad at the loss of something so grand? Maybe, but I feel no loss. Instead, it is the memory of moments, conversation, laughter, silliness, feeling, thought, and even touch that fills my heart. I am not sad it did not continue- how could it?- with my poisoned mind and body. That it was held onto as long as it was- was likely too much. 

Today I still struggle with both poisoned mind and body. But as there has been for a long time, there is an ebb and flow. The torment- it is always there. When the darkness is waning- right at the apogee- I am bathed completely in the light of my time with and the memory of you. I am so full of joy in those moments. I am experiencing such a moment right now. I realize that the waxing of the darkness will commence- I was deep in it not so long ago- but I hold onto this joy as long as I can and it is a longing for this joy that sustains me through the darkest times. But while in the light of this joy, I simply wanted to say thanks. Thank you, so much for your completeness. 

46 years. A life time of happiness and regret.

Life has been so good for me. Too good. 

There is so much talk these days about white privilege. It is something I am intimately aware of. Late 20 Century white male American privilege. My life is a testament to it. 

I have lived way better then my station in life should allow. I have a number of chronic illnesses, including recurring Bipolar manic episodes. They were finally my undoing. First evident one was 1998-1999, again in 2004-2005 and then 2009-2011. Essentially every 5 years? I'm not sure I ever looked at it that way. 

So much of my story is tied to poor health. I was due April 17, 1969, but was born on March 10. After getting past the premature birth (low birth weight, jaundice), my next health issue, in April 1969, was called a pyloric stenosis. It is a thickening of the pyloric muscle that prevents food from passing from the stomach into the intestine. In my case, it led to projectile vomiting. My parents say they had to feed me from behind a rubber sheet. The remedy was a pylorectomy. In this surgery, the outer fascia of the pylorus is cut across, essentially allowing the constricted pylorus musclature to expand, allowing the construction to be relieved and the pylorus to allow food to pass from the stomach. Apparently, the doc who performed the surgery was not worried about cosmetic appearance- to this day I have a large scar on the right side of my abdomen:

Anyway, after that, I had a pretty normal childhood, I broke my left ulna (or was it the radius?) which is the  forearm, falling from a jungle gym at 4 years of age. 

Also in childhood, there were two issues and one other event: hearing problems 3-5 grades, allergies to just about everything, and a tic bite that left me paralyzed for a few days. I have no recollection of any of these events, only what my Mother has told me. I have a terrible autobiographical memory. My sisters will talk about things, places, events, I have no memory of most of them. Some I have co-opted their memory through story repetition. 

Anyway, when I was 15 or 16, we moved from Long Island to South Central RURAL Georgia. I have a pretty good memory of most of that period, but not all. Anyway, I graduated high school and went off to college (back on Long Island). 

I had a couple of illnesses in college that contributed to my lack of success. I went fall of 1987 and Spring and Fall of 1988. After that, I did not return to NY except for cousins weddings or aunt/uncle funerals, other to get engaged. 

In 1990 I moved, as a member of my parents' household, to Jacksonville. In Fall of 1991 after establishing residency, I enrolled in St. John's River Community College. I graduated at the end of the following summer with a Associate of Arts degree, using a combination of credit from CW Post and SJRCC. I looked at UNF, but they wanted me to repeat any classes older than 5 years old. I did not want to duplicate. 

It was October 31, 1992 that I came down with Psoriatic Arthritis. Psoriasis is a skin disease that ordinarily involves plaques; I had come down with Arthritis, in my shoulders, hands, fingers, hips and toes. The hips prevented me from walking for a short time. The plaques, initially 3 on my head, eventually covered my entire body by 1995. 

I was wheelchair bound for about 8 months. I moved back to my parents home, again. I was unable to work. Eventually, the hips improved. The fingers and toes, less so. The shoulders never did- in combination with later injuries, they (esp. the right one) don't allow for my arms to be fully rotated over my head. 

By Early 1994, I was eager to return to the world of work. I had gotten engaged to a Long Island girl at Christmas time, with an expectation of getting married in August 6, 1994. I got a job at Fortune Insurance Company in April. By Late May, I had broken off the engagement. My decision was based, in part, my my fiancee's mother's words: you are going to spend your (her) while life taking care of him. She was right: I did not know anything about this disease; the walking did improve, but the skin continued to get worse. In hindsight, it turned out to be the best decision I ever made. She would have been sentenced to a very horrible life. I've had a number of bouts with an inability to walk; I've been bounced from a number of jobs due to things that can all be traced back to either illness or sickness. 

I will have to pick this up later. My fingers are in too much pain to continue at this time. 

No dining out solo-Lent, Veg (No Meat) March- the perfect storm

So I gave up dining out alone for Lent. This is a big sacrifice. The 'alone' caveat is important- it does not allow the decision to impinge on anyone else. 

It is also not relevant- it has only been an issue twice since February 18, that's almost 3 weeks ago. Once it was with PAS (Feb 20) and once it was with BAB (March 6). 

But the intersection of this rule with the diabetes/weight loss doc rule of under 30 carbs, coupled with No Meat March have created an eating perfect storm. Which is crazy for a non-belonging, non-drinking, non-rolling, non-exercising, non-sexual, non-social being. Food is the only thing left to trigger any of the reward centers in my brain. 

So my diet is pretty restricted. Although I have pretty much all the time in the world, with the severe limitations on consumption, who wants to spend all their time in the kitchen?

So this is a breakdown of my dietary regimen:

Breakfast is either a bagel thin, a PB & J uncrustable or a Belvita Banana Nut Biscuit. The bagel thin is 29g Carb/160 kcal; the uncrustable is 28/210; the biscuit is 32/190. Great on calories, not so great for staying under 30g carb. 

Another meal (or sometimes 2 if a 4-meal day) is usually Advantedge Protein shake by EAS/Abbott. The Premier Protein is what the doc wants (5/160-but 30g of protein), but the advantedge is a non-milk protein and is 1.5/100 with 17g of protein. This is great for both carb and calories, and before March 1 there was no breakfast meal, just this 3x a day + dinner. 

Since March 1, 'Dinner' has become a base of bell peppers, onion (white or yellow) and white mushrooms, generally sautéed in PAM. That has been the base of the meal for the last 8 days. It is dressed up one of four ways: 

Vegetable Soup. A base of Veg Broth, garlic, Finely chopped, chopped and strained tomatoes; the Veg Mix  and some bean, so far to include black, northern, navy, green pigeon and white kidney. 

Franks & beans: Franks here is Frank's Red Hot (it is veg, after all). I've been using Bush's Vegetarian Baked Beans, Sauerkraut, the Veg Mix  and Sabarett onion sauce. This is the most 'convenience' based meal, and also the highest by far in sodium. 

Stir Fry: Veg Mix; Walden Farms Sesame Ginger dressing (No Carb, Fat nor Calories), 1/2 teaspoon of stir fry seasoning premix; all added to a bed of cabbage slaw, broccoli slaw (both sautéed), cilantro and mung bean sprouts. 

Taco Salad: Veg Mix; Walden Farms Chipotle Ranch dressing (No Carb, Fat nor Calories), Frank's Red Hot, 1/2 teaspoon of taco seasoning premix, diced tomatoes and a black bean mash; over a bed of lettuce. 

These meals are all a blend of mostly whole food with some non-cal components and some convenience items. They are low cal, low fat, low carb and non-meat. 

They have satisfied some of my reward centers, so far. I've had each iteration twice. 

Since the doc commanded me to lose 70 lbs (I've lost 61) I have been eating much less meat, but was still drinking milk and eating cheese, yogurt and sour cream. Originally for No Meat March, I was going to continue dairy. Later decided to cut that out, also.  

Of course, the 70 lbs loss mandate was only b/c I told her that "250 doesn't really represent weight loss for me- anytime I'm particularly ill, I drop to 250-255." Last visit, she upped the ante another 30 lbs (100 total- that would be a sub-215!). I told her my 'in shape' weight was 233. She said, maybe at 25 yrs old (she was right- that was when that was last true). She said likely a lot less muscle now- also very, VERY true. (She said my 'ideal' goal should be a weight of 150-175; I told her I was rail thin at HS Grad and was 165). 

I'm in that range now (253-256). And I've been at a complete stand still since going veg (March 1). She said it is the carbs from the added breakfast meal. Before that was not part of the diet I was on. But no milk nor cheese seems to have cut our carbs, too. We'll see. 

My A1c was 7.7. That is the best reading I've gotten since my diabetes diagnosis. By a lot. My daily B/S has been 87-113 typically for over a month. This is still with both metformin (pill) & meal time insulin.

I have a physical some time in the next fortnight. 46 comes. It's not s great time. But still, Life is Good. 

Side exposure- monumental fail

I often think about moments and events in my life both in isolation and the grand schema that is my life. 

I once had a girl whom I was helping exposing side boob to me on a daily basis. I never thought anything of it. 

She was the artistic type, maybe subconsciously I thought that this was just typical hipster couture. We were working on a project, in the heat, in the Deep South. Who wouldn't want to minimize clothing/skin contact in such an environ?

When she later started coming on to me, explicitly, she explained that the side boob was meant to be a come on. I guess it was more a matter of different culturalization. Not that I ever ran with a hipster crowd. Maybe that I had been exposed to them. 

It's funny how upbringing affects our perception.