Sex, no, intimacy.

It's been just over 5 months since I had any. 

That ended a 2 1/2 year run of fairly regular activity. Some times a few times a week, sometimes weekly. At the beginning of that period, multiple times a day, but that had more to do with her than anything for me. 

It's very weird. I stopped having regular normal sexual activity in 2005, and stopped all sexual activity near the end of 2007. 

I had a few experiences in early 2010, with 2 different 'friends.' None of the experiences had anything to do with me being satisfied (physically) although I did enjoy the intimacy. They certainly opened the door, or paved the way, for the intimate relationship I had from late-mid 2010 through 2013. 

This period was plagued with great physical and mental illness. But this 'pseudo-' relationship really powered me to (try to) struggle through. 

In the end, I was summarily dismissed. The situation was queer (in every meaning?) and there were too many dicks around. So I was put out. 

Something that I had learned to live without, found (mistakenly thought?) I did not need is something that consumes my thoughts at various times, sometimes multiple times a day! But it is not the 'release' I miss;!it is the intimacy, the closeness to someone. Even someone who at times could be emotionally abusive. Because when she was sweet, her tenderness washed through me at such a deep level. But it was not real. 

Summarily dismissed. It had to end sometime. But it was very painful. I only have a short time left. That time would have been so much easier if I was still living in a make believe world. The one in which I felt worthy of someone else's intimate care. Their touch. Their concern. 

Hospitalized in late 2010, she visited me daily. Hospitalized in late 2012, she didn't visit once. I should have walked then! But pitifully, I tried to hold on to something that I realized didn't exist, and maybe never had. Oh the pain. 5 months later. Not any duller. Thrown away by someone that keeps the contents of vacuum bags after they are full. That hurts so bad. To be thrown away by someone that has difficulty getting rid of broken toys, clothes with no value, used pizza boxes.