No extrication. Instead dug in with two hands

The lunacy has accelerated instead of slowing or stopping. In 8 days I have sustained what I consider significant losses. What is wrong with me?

I cannot allow these losses to interfere with the planned obsolescence. Must commence before 10/31. Had TX 8/5. Only because of this situation. That's nuts. 

9/30 looks like next TX date. Will not be full blown by 10/31. 

More of the same. Obsession. Foolish.

So I've continued in the same desperate vein. And feel the fool. Oh well. Hopefully I will extricate myself from it soon. 

How do you end something that does not exist?

Lying. It's one of the worst things I can think of. 

And yet we lie all the time. We lie to protect the feelings of others, we lie to save our own skin. 

But when we lie in a sloppy manner, what is the message we are trying to send? When we freely provide proof that shows us as lying, what are we trying to say to the target of our lie?

I'm so tired. Of everything. Of everyone. Every act is a slight. I must be the biggest buffoon in history. Or at least be perceived as such. 

How do I leave this situation? I just click out. Don't respond. Change my contact info. Anything. 

I don't want to be made to feel like someone is contacting me out of obligation. That it is a burden. It's so stupid. Just end the whole thing already. It's not even anything real. It was fun., right? Now it's not. Fine. Move on. 

The oddity continued, but what is appropriate?

I am surprised to look on here and see the 6/19 post. The oddity was a full blown obsession through Sunday, I guess. 

Something was altered that day, though. I realized that this whole thing was not real, but make believe. Of course, I knew that. But in existing in the moment, I somehow managed to block out that fact. 

Having realized it Sunday, it was proven again to me tonight (Tuesday). I actually was irked. I'm not sure that this is an appropirate thing, an appropriate response, though. After all, it's only make believe. 

I guess I'll just adjust. That's probably what I need to do. Head back into the real world, or at least not leave it for the land of make believe…

It was fun there (in the land of make believe) for a while. I remembered what it meant to care. About anything. But it's not real. It is only vapor. And the slightest breeze can blow a vape cloud away. 

It's been a strange time

I have a new obsession. It is a curious oddity, and one that I expect to pass quickly. 

Still, life is weird. I am still trying to remember to always be in the moment, to be present in the now. 

The past is behind. Tomorrow does not exist. Be here, today. 

My so called life…

Periscope… not real. But neither is anything else in my life. 

I'm ready. Tough choice since not currently manic or depressed. Just fed up. Or as I was told by one of my sister's drivers today, I'm just dicking around. Or as my father just said, same shitty attitude. 

Ok. Process commencement soon. I feel so lucky. Blessed even. And at peace. I haven't felt this peace in a few years, and then it was make believe. I'm hoping this is the real thing. 

Periscope 4/3pm-4/4am (5:45am!)

Periscope has changed a lot in the last week. It has gone from voyeurs commanding streamers to show their fridge to showing their (multiple female specific body parts). That last part is rather annoying. 

Today, I was a worldwide voyeur. I listened to four different women monologue or respond to texts through system or interact with others in the environment around them. (I did capture some screen shots)

PERISCOPE LOGO

One was named Lily, in San Franscisco. She went to work, went bowling with a group from work, was in her ultra expensive apt, went out for gelato in SF with her boyfriend. She was personable, entertaining. 

One was named Christina, in LA. She is the CEO of a Virtual Reality content production company. She was also very engaging, interesting. She showed them working on some VR stuff, went to a Magic show, chased her cat around. 

A third woman, Amanda Oleander, is a (mostly) digital artist. She was the one thinking most of how to utilize this medium to her benefit. She had a whole scheme set up, saying she was going to host private Periscope sessions, where she could get to know her followers. She was interesting and entertaining. Also in LA, she does art work for some major TV outfit. She had integrating art work on her website (for sale) and took the viewers through her book collection while waiting for the kettle to boil for tea. 

The last periscope I was involved with was a young girl (23) from Norway named Guro. She was just getting up, which was a contast with the other 3 who were in different stages of getting finished with work to getting ready for bed. She talked and talked and talked about a lot of things. She was pleasant. She had been learning English since kindergarten there in Norway, but said during the stream that she had learned more about English in the last 5 years on YouTube. Apparently she follows Vlogs, one she is a big fan of called Shaytarfs. They are in Idaho. When she was talking about wishing to come to the U.S., she specifically mentioned Idaho and Alaba (b/c of Forrest Gump). Weird how our media impacts people in other countries.

(This is not a screen shot, but I didn't want to leave her out, this pic is from her feed). 

 

There was a 5th periscope, a couple. They went to Magic Montain (6 flags in CA). They were fun, funny, and showed some things there at the park. But something must have creeped the girl out enough during her periscoping that she created a second handle.