I am bored. Not momentarily, but I am in a perpetual state of boredom. I use perpetual, rather than permanent, because I am hopeful that it is not.
The hours pass...
My head in a vice, no relief from this pain.
Body beginning to make its very familiar turn.
To what end? Existence~ is this really living?
My prayer for death- ineffectual.
I'm ready.
I have a lot of hair growing on my thighs. That has never been the case before.
Two weeks of PsA meds left. What should I do? I have sent off a fax to my derm (in Jax) requesting that he submit applications for Humira and Cyclosporin since I was denied his drug choice, Stellera.
What's the point?
Please Death, come soon. But Not before Dec 3. I posited on my messed up mind blog that it would take that long for me to save up to pay my parents (2,900 now) and the cremation costs here in Plano (795 or 995, plus tax).
So now survival until Dec 3 is required. In the mean time I will have to arrange to pay the clerk of the courts monthly for 16 mos at $51/month. They will probably require 12 month plan or $68/month.
I am tired of this existence.
Yet excited that within 10 days, I could be eating a Double Double at In N Out Burger.
Seems Contradictory.
I miss my playmate. Even when she is sore with me, being with her is still better than not.
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geek
ReplyDeleteCameron spoke of you this morning
ReplyDeleteWent to See my Rheum, he was out of the medicine! He gave me something else, but wanted to know how long I'd eb here. I have one more shot (for this Friday) and he sent me with 2 of some other shot (Simponi), and instructed me to take that every 3 weeks. But he said if I stuck around, he was expecting more of the med I am on to come in soon. Skin is breaking, though, and there was a reason I was taken off of this med in the past~ it had not proven effective over any duration of time.
ReplyDeleteTell Cam I said hello, lover...
I've found a new and beautiful and moving song. a leonard cohen song. It's so lovely.
ReplyDeleteStay and get yer meds friend. All willbe well then you can return and help me build obsessive amounts of decking and help me paint.
It
s so bloody hot here....terrible and unbearable.
New projects! Yay. Will miss my new food staple...
ReplyDeleteHow's that P90X going? now outside the time of the money back guarantee...
Today I got a call from My Derm office. After the Derm Drug choice was denied by manufacturer, I request a combo that provided relief while in the erythrodermic state. His 'ASSistant' called, talking about specialty pharm and insurance. at least 4 times during the initial conversation I informed her there was no insurance for meds.
ReplyDeleteTHen she called back saying the doc wanted to fight the insurance decision. So far, 2 appts, 139.40 in co-pay and no relief.
that's why ending it is still best solution, only viable. I cannot live like this.