How to end it. I don't know how anymore

I need relief. I need to be excised of my situation. Now. 

Current mood. Is is persistent. I'm just tired.

Still surviving

Full moon. Back in Plano. Trying to make it through for another go 'round. 

Back in the abyss

Here I am back in this hole. But I am completely without. No family. No friends. No companions. Nothing. 

It is bizarre. I am trying to hold on to the center. But there is nothing left. 

No poetry. Just misery. 

So little left to give

I give. She takes. There is little room for anything else. 

Why haven't I just walked away? 

Giving up

I should have been gone in 2005.  That was a action I took against myself. But she had medical POA over me and Danielle did not let me go.

In 2010 I could have gone, somewhat naturally. Lisa did not let me go and worked her magic to give me a reason not to go. I fought hard and made it most of the way back. 

In 2015 I tried to create a reason to stay. But everything is different. I am completely isolated from family, mostly abandoned by friends. No longer allowed to contribute to society. I do not see a successful resolution here. I have called upon this kid 2xs and both times she did not deliver. The thing is I Tried to create a situation where she would care about me. But she does not. And that is the reality. So now I just have to deal or lose. There is nothing left to hang onto. 

June-Jan same as May-Dec?

We didn't make 7 mos yet. I'm not sure we can. 

I'm worn out. I've lost (again). I miss the days of the girl with the unruly mane and her poop loops. 

It was the fact that she took me on that I exist today. Waiting for another episode. This young girl came a long. I thought her youth would be enough. It wasn't. It may have even been the reason for the negative issues. 

Selfishness. I've experienced it before right here in this house. 

So no motivation. No action. Only the lack of will to trudge on. But trudge on I must. 

Some parts of it were fun. Esp. early on. Until I said sex would not be a part. Patricia warned me about that, that excluding sex would be a problem. Whether she was right or wrong, I ended up wth he consequences she predicted. Oh, well. Look at my belly. Oh how it has grown again. 

Again sitting on the end of the bed for hours

Another trip here. And more nothing. I'm wary. 

2015 ending, now what?

2015 coming to an end. I've been told (again) my services are no longer required, that I am free to pursue other interests. Inevitable, obviously. 

My other situation has taken a radical shift. Instead of my time being occupied, I am now preoccupied with the fact that it is no longer occupied. Tough. 

The walls are closing in. Those who have remained, still, are wary of me. Who can blame them? I thought it would end at the end of year P23. That time came and went. I was caught up with my child-friend. She is winding me down now. I was surprised by that. Seems she's just hanging on for one last romp through WDW in January. 

I'm trapped. These is only one solution. Only I'm not manic or depressed right now. So how can I act?

Why stretch 6 into 7

This has totally taken me by surprise. Upon return to the abusive, no supportive spouse, she has turned against me and what we were. 

I should have considered the possibility. I failed to. I guess I was too caught up in all the things I was doing for her. 

Now she has vanished. But not completely. And every time I think it is turning back, I find it is not. Yet I keep investing more in the situation. When will I cut it? I have always been good at recognizing the signs before the final event and always ready to walk.

This is not like any of those. And I did not see the signs b/c there were none. It was either an ultimatum or… idk. But here I am, being tossed about in the wind of whim. I don't need it. There was something I needed. 

This circumstance has led me to believe that when the time comes I will not be able to get what I need. It makes me sad. But I need to come to grips with it. 

And deal. And do that thing that I am so good at. Rambling. It's time to be on my way. My investment is lost. There is no good left. Only more taking. I'm sad. I mean really sad. 

I am so aware that each and every situation I am in is only temporary. I am no one's solution. I am a filler until he real problem can be addressed. I never decide when it is over. I only have had a knack for recognizing the approach of the end. This time I was surprised.

But like I said, this situation is so incomplete. And completely based on my outputs. There is no give and take. I thought I was storing up for when I had a need. But I guess it was never the case.  

Beach weekend boomerang trip (not beach) And substitute

So the girl returned on Fri 10/30 We went to Ale House Fri Nt, Sea World Sat, Boston Lobster feast Sat nt, Busch Gardens Sun & Delmonicos Sun Nt. Mon she was fine in AM when leaving for airport at 5, but started being sick at airport. Missed flight. SWA put her on next non-stop. She got home and did not go to work.

Busch Gardens made this an epic trip for her. She is a huge giraffe fan. We signed up for a safari ($50/person extra). Epic photos of her with giraffe. 

Trip was not without uncomfortableness. I guess not being intimate with her on WDW trip out her in an awkward place. When asked, she said she no longer wanted me 'touching.' So I withdrew all contact. I went to Houston for 3 days that followed and continued the not touching, even though there we slept (actual sleeping) in the bed together. 

The trip there was somewhat productive for her. Helped her get a lot of things in order there in her home. 

Next up will be visiting her during Thanksgiving trip. She wants to return to WDW for Dec/Christmas, but cannot reconcile these events and her need to see herself as moral, even though I decided and told her I did not want that kind of situation with her and followed it up with inaction when she was looking for action last night of WDW trip. 

My 5 day WDW Vaca with a 24 year old

I've been sick for almost 23 years. To celebrate, I went with a 24 year old to Disney. 

Nats-Nao-Nicole-Naomi-Natalie 

Canova Beach 10-5 3am

We mostly had a good time. It went by quickly. 

We stayed at the Allstar Resort for 3 nights, followed by one night at the beach. 

We visited all 4 parks. Major attractions missed included the big 4 at EPCOT: Spaceship Earth, Soarin, Test Track and Mission Space. 

The girl was sick for an entire day in the middle of the trip. Second trip with her, second time sick. It impacted touring plans significantly. 

Girl particularly liked Delmonicos and the DHS duo of Rock n Roller Coaster and Tower of Terror. She also liked Expedition Everest, Kilimanjaro Safari, she got a Ariel shirt, plus two shirts as a gift at the AK (including a giraffe shirt) and she got into pin collecting at the end. 

The Food and wine festival was fun, but maybe less of a hit than expected. She did not think much of the lobster roll. 

Went to the Orlando Eye. Ate in Morocco & at Cinderella's Royal Table. Morocco ended up being a bit of a fiasco b/c it rained and destroyed the girls make up between the park gates and the restaurant. The service there was subpar, they would not serve her alcohol, and I ended up not getting anything. She had something with feast in the title, but she didn't care for many of the items. 

Missed reservations at Donald's Safari lunch in AK and Lunch at Coral Reef Restaurant at EPCOT. Other misses included Boston Lobster Feast and Shake Shack (both on I-Drive). Giordano's was NOT a hit. We almost went to Cirque du Soileil. Almost. 

Almost 23 years. I thought I was going to let the end come. On my terms. But then the girl decided to come back. This month! So I had to medicate. Head and body. But I wait for the beginning of the end. Soon enough. 

It was almost a conflict free month

Except that it is the most painful time of the year for me. So how could it be conflict free. The afterglow of a fun vacation extended for exactly two weeks. 

I nearly forewent the treatment. I would like an ending. 23 years is too long. 

The girl, she was funny yest eve for a few min and even funnier tonight. I'm just tired. I was hopeful. But I was wrong. Again. 

Funny thing about that. How can I be so wrong. All the time?

I am nobody's answer. I am the bane of my own existence. It is time for an ending. Soon. 

Um, yeah.

So yesterday's fiasco? I got punished with a no contact decision today. To the girl's detriment. She got a 75% on a quiz. And I am sad for myself and sad for her. 

She had a funny way about her in the communication we did have. Oh well. I guess (as usual) I miss judged what was and what could have been. 

WDW -5

So I needed attention tonight. I was on phone, but couldn't get any. It's crazy. I know something is wrong with me. But this is crazy. 

I don't exist

So I was posting photos of the trip to social media. Then it dawned on me that the social media maven had no pics of us posted. There must be a reason for that. So I took the pics down. 

Texas trip in review

Well, I am not quite recovered. I can't tell if I'm manic or not. I know I have no peace. 

I drove out Friday Morn. I was mostly excited. I got to meet my virtual friend in her natural setting and hang out for about 2-3 hours before she went to work. We made plans for after work and for the next morning. 

When after work came, the girl did not show up. When we spoke the next AM, everything had changed. She said she would be disposed until 4. 

We ended up meeting at 4pm, going to dinner (Ra Sushi), the show (The Little Mermaid Musical), and then driving to Austin for the night on the way to visit my parents in Plano. 

The trip to Austin had a few things go wrong. There was an accident on the route which had the road closed down. The hotel wanted to put a $50 hold on my debit card-- I was worried about a repeat of the over charges. Finally, the girl ate at 3am and spent the next day, nearly 5 hours of it, anyway, sick. Food poisoning sick. So that led to us being unable to complete the trip to Plano. 

My parents didn't want anyone sick coming around them. esp my dad with the pacemaker. Esp my mom getting surgery. 

So we returned to Houston that night. I stayed with the girl until 3am. It was mostly a very lovely time. 

Then I left and drove first to Melbourne, then home. 

Things are not great. I can't put my finger on it. I'm not right. So there's that. 

Well, that was awkward

So the interaction was for the most part bad. Very selfish little girl. 

She told me she did not accurately understand the situation. She has friends… 

When pushed, though, no not like this. 

Well, better now than later. 

Real boy status -7

Well, I guess things are coming together for an actual meetup. Weird. In Sept, we will go through Houston and take the girl with us to Plano. 

In October, the girl will travel here. She purchased a SWA flight last night. 

Crazy. 

Well that's strange

Here I sit. For 120 min. Doing nothing. Like I am some type of toy or plaything existing, but not really, until I am picked up again. And I was dropped mid-sentence. 

I am not sure how much more I can take.