financials moved from New 2012

Financially speaking_ Jan 2 balance, 252.22

On a positive note, I finished the month with $65.91 in the bank. The negative is I took $900 in payday loans to give gifts/pay for travel/live beyond my means this month. This is in addition to the $555 loan I carry each month. THe loans had an interest rate of $30 per 100 (much higher than the $11 I'm used to). I think that one will be paid this month (the 300, so 390) and the others will be interest only.

The SSDI payment went up to $1,678.00. This is because of a COLA and the fact that my Medicare went down.

However, I am now responsible for paying the Drug premium and the Drug costs are close to $1,000 a month (wiht the ins) for the first 4 months, a bit more for the next 3, then a whole lot less for the last 5. I have meds stored up, so I'm not sure how that is all going to play out, except paying the drug preium. I may find a cheaper Part D.

SO right now, I think I am at

65.91 + 1,678.00 - 555 - 390 -120 -60 = 618.91.

My debits are as follows: (Auto Insurance, Storage, Monthly Check Cashing Loan Fee, Court Costs, Part D Cov, WDW Perry's, WDW Me )

117.14 + 61.43 + 51.60 + 28.30 + 28.40 + 31.42 = 318.29

So my current actual balance is $252.22, on Jan 2.

This is the last WDW payment for the Perry's as they said they would be trying on another type of amusement this year, maybe something more attractive to the dad.

This upcoming month, I will have auto registration renewal and the disabled placard renewal.
This upcoming month, I am truing to do a 3 day trip to WDW; I want to try to stay in Jax and go to WDW on Feb 29... We'll see.

Vegan Kick Start, NEW BLOG

I have started a new blog, found at http://vautrinjr2012.blogspot.com/

For those of you that know me, you know that this type of undertaking is going to be nearlt impossible, if not a simply pathetic joke. In addition, I am going to stay (at least mainly) Gluten-free.

This includes on trips (like to Jax for meds) EXCEPT for a singe AYCE Chicken wings per visit.

I am scared, excited, but mostly resolved, here on Jan 3. We'll see.

I have been living with Psoriasis since 1992 (20 years) and Diabetes since 1997 (15 years) and crazy (diagnosis was depression, newer doc thinks I have been bipolar all along) since 1995 (17 years). Crohns diagnosed this year.

So many things wrong. Time to see if they can be righted.

Solstice musings

I sit here, my eyes getting blurry,
My ears their ringing will not stop;
My breathing, though heavier, does not deliver
And at times I wish it would just stop.

My throat tighter still,
My toes and fingers numb;
No life in my flaccid member,
would to death I succumb

No predator a threat to me
Save my racing mind;
An answer to this burning question
I will never find

What purpose to save me,
A life without value, yet to find
What purpose to soldier on;
Why not stop my foolish mind.

Still here.

Yesterday would have been Tara's 42 birthday. That hurts.

There is no path back for me. I thought I was going to get a job this week. It was so close. But then it did not happen.

It was a very meager job, like $500-$600 a month. Some how I could not even manage that.

I am so tired. I long for that eternal rest. My life was stolen from me, and I do not know how to get back to any form of a life.

The best thing is probably to just go away from everything I know, everyone I know. Disappear.

Things that Make Me Angry

The pain behind my eyeballs

the spike driving through the top of my head

the way my skin burns in the water

the way my skin shrinks as it dries, pulling tighter and tighter

the pain in my left eyelid

the fact that typing is difficult because my hands hurt so much

the pain running from my right elbow to the ring/pinky fingers in my right hand

the pain in both of my lower legs

the pain in my lower back

the stiffness in my hips as I walk

my aching toes and my tingling feet

MY SKIN

the way my mind sometimes refuses to work

and the way my mind sometimes refuses to stop working

the pain

the heartache

the loss

Danielle & Tara

I miss you guys

cats on counters

cats on tables with food

cats in beds

the way that anything that makes contact with my lower legs creates a sore

my inability to secure a living

my sudden dependence on others

my wanton desires

the way I do things to excess

my poisoned mind

the fact that I have failed twice to end it

my feelings for others well being

chunks of my ears falling off

Waiting to Die

I have a terminal disease. It is called "Life."
Better put, "Life without Purpose."

With no young to care for, the hope that progeny creates does not exist for me.
Existence absent purpose is not an existence worth living.

And so I wait.
My sister gone. (age 31)
One of my closest friends gone. (age 41)
Both leave behind life that needed them.

A daughter without a mother.
Sons without a mother.
It is senseless, or at the very least, incomprehensible.

And yet I muddle on.
Poisoned mind.
Poisoned body.
Still holding onto life.

But a life without value.
A life without purpose.
Nothing (back) to hold onto.
Nothing (forward) to hope for.

I wish the end would come for me.
I wish it would be soon.
But soon is not soon enough.
Skin falling off more rapidly now.
Joints again refusing to move.
Pain in head.

My joys? Tied to the make believe.
Tied to sensory delights limited (mostly) to eating.
Why won't the end come?
Suffering needlessly.

To what end?
Better to be memorialized as people's opinions seem to improve.
The reality is forgotten.
Let it be soon.

When the end comes, it comes quickly

I lost a friend this month. I currently have 8 (now 7) friends; to lose one is a great loss. I am on the verge of losing another; not to death, but to life.

My current situation is deteriorating. Given the choice of cats on counters, tables and in pantries or me eating food prepared here, you chose cats on counters, tables and in pantries.

Oh, well.

Yesterday I made soup; today a frozen pizza. otherwise I have eaten nothing prepared here. Even these two items, I had to watch over like a hawk. The cats have no problem walking in food stuffs.

Today you quoted one of the very first things I said to you: "You will tire of me."

In quoting it, you alluded to the fact that you have.

It stung a little, but what else could I expect?

Current schedule is to move my stuff out in the beginning of Sept, moving it into storage. Beyond that, I realize that there is little chance of repair.

It was always up to you to make this work. You always said you would figure it out, how to make it work. Maybe it was just impossible. Maybe it was more work than you were willing to put in. Either way, you failed.

I am heading about back to where I was when this part began, joints stiffening, skin reddening. Mind poisoned. Heart broken.

Oct 31, 2011, 19th anniversary of this thing that controls my life. 19 years to have lived with a sub-human life. I need relief soon. Soon. "When the end comes, it comes quickly." ~Joe Vautrin, Jr. In Memory of Tara L. K. Allen, Nov 9, 1969- Aug 6, 2011.