When it's over…

Friendship. Sex. Whatever. 

6 mos ago when I determined that because her husband was having sex with a 50 something year old (named Dana- see pic below) whom I knew nothing about, I realized that sharing her with him as a sex partner probably was not a good idea. So now I have been 6 mos without sex. The sex was not really fulfilling as sex. But the intimacy. Oh how I miss it. Being close. Sometimes she would run her fingers across my back after it was over. That might be the thing I miss the most. 

It took her less than a month after my 'no's' to decide I should leave. I'm sure it surprised her when I did so readily. So she learned to live without me. 

Over the six mos we still had very regular contact. Until exactly 3 weeks ago. Since then I have still called, emailed & texted. I even went so far as to make contact this week with her 10 yr old daughter & ask her to tell her Mom to contact me. Nothing. 

3 weeks. Seems like a short time. But in the same period I also have been abandoned by one of my closest friends. So it was a double whammy. 

So now I put them both behind me. I am loosening my obsession. That's the thing about 3 weeks. So short. But when my remaining time is short, it seems like an eternity. Oh, well. 

I was thrown away by someone who's husband does not find her worthy of loyalty. He even brought the 50 something around their kids at least once- on his birthday. But she (the other woman) was looking for a husband-- she asked my friend's spouse if he'd leave. His response was that there wasn't even a remaining hot ember that could be sparked back into romantic love, but that he would not leave now because he was afraid to leave the kids alone in the home with her. Wow. And this is a pic of the woman he was professing his love to (it seems she has since moved on from him):

It just makes me sad. I only wanted to help her. But she refused it. So I must mentally move on. I recently bought gifts for her son's bday next month. I guess it's over. I'm letting go. 3 weeks is a long time to ignore someone. Bye. 

Today.

Everywhere I go, I'm alone.

I've given up. So I go it alone. Everywhere. Alone. 

Olive Garden never ending pasta bowl. 

First try- corkscrew, sausage pomodoro + sausage. 

Next, angel hair, meat sauce, meatballs

Finally, linguine, narinara + sausage. 

Salad, not soup. No bread sticks. 

Tara. 2 years.

It's been 2 years now. Both boys were on a missions trip at the end of this summer. 

I wrote sometimes it seems like yesterday, sometimes it seems like forever since you've been gone. 

Your boys are keeping your memory alive. 

Dear Danielle

Hi Danielle. I miss you so much. I miss having a relative that lived close. 

I really can't get your daughter anymore. She's 10 1/2 now. She is just not interested in doing anything with me. 

I recently was to take her to the movies. Long story, short, I drove back from beach to where she now lives with her daddy, his girl friend and a half brother from another girl (2 1/2). It is in Julington Creek. Anyway, I get there after asking her to be ready, I'm not able to walk well right now, and she wasn't. I waited in my truck. She didn't come. After 6 + min, I texted her, then left. I heard back from her 15 min after that. By then, I was long gone, the movie had already started. 

I drive by your home almost every day. Remember my friend Tara? She died 2 years ago. I live in her old house. 

So you and she are on my mind daily. Her date is Aug 6. I saw her the morning she died. She spoke to me the night before. So sad. 

I also saw you the night before you died. You're coming up on 6 years. 

The travesty in all of it is you should have allowed me to die in 2005. Since then, I fell in love, got rejected, got crazy (mania, again) lost job (3 years now), branded a criminal. Almost had chance to die again, was provided intimate comfort w/o love, and thrown away. Now I'm just waiting to die. I'm hoping not to make it through the 21 anniversary of the PsA. Oct 31. 20 years is long enough. I probably could have died from complications in 2010; I'm hoping the disease takes the same course this year and finally does me in. 

The left is 1 week and 2 days after blister formed and popped. The right was 1st pic, before 7th garbage day (2 days after it blew), see next. 

I got it doing a job collecting garbage in an apt complex. It had formed after 6 days over 2 weeks. I struggled with a 7th and final. 

Mentally, I'm more depressed than manic. That's been good for total sleep, but still not regular. It's 3:30am now. 

Both feet hurt along the area of the pads, or ball of the feet. That blister is on the outer area of the pad on the left foot. 

I miss you D. Love you. Sorry I wasn't a better brother to you. 

Giving up #1. Hole in Foot

Well the end has started earlier than anticipated. Worked 7 days across 2 weeks collecting garbage. This involved 20 "openings" of 12 apts each, 6 up and 6 downstairs. 

That had a significant impact on one spot in my body:

This is bottom of left foot at outer edge. 

It's called a diabetic foot ulcer. This will not heal. So I have decided not to see a doc for this. In line with current planning of suspending psychiatric (Aug 5) and immunological (Aug 19) treatments. End had to begin somewhere. I thought it was going to begin at top (head). Instead, it begins at bottom (left sole). Aug 1. It begins. 

Still consumed

I cannot get relief of thinking about her. I have never had something like this happen to me before. And I'm close to 45. 

I haven't spoken or in anyway had any form of communication with her in 2 weeks. That is the longest such span since this thing had (innocently) begun- mid June, 2010. 

I'm just short of obsessed. It's not my way! So it's creeping me out.