And so the countdown begins

A short while ago I realized that that day was the best day, physically, I would have for the rest of my life. 

Today is day one of the end. Today, my old nemesis, the master of my life for 20 + years, re-emerged. "My skin's on fire."

Yes. But this time no action will be taken to try and combat my true nature. I have gone off all meds. No more treating 'me.' Not my blood clots/veinous stasis. Not my bipolarity. Not my arthritis. Not my diabetes. Not my Crohn's. Not my Psoriasis. 

Any substances that I ingest will be discretional. So no more insulin. No more warfarin. No more prednisone. No more Depakote, Lithium, or Remeron. No more methotrexate. No more Remicade. 

Anything I do now will be for my own pleasure or to ease my suffering. I finally will fulfill my objectivist ideals. 

Notice Seroquel, Restoril, Klonopin are not listed amongst the drugs I will no longer take. Why? Because I have discovered that they have recreational value. And mine is a life of recreation. As it winds down. No money. But a load of those pills. Plus alcohol. Yes. 

Most food no longer gives me pleasure. I no longer enjoy wings. I no longer want to eat any chicken of any kind. The Outback Special no longer brings me pleasure. Pasta no longer brings me pleasure. Mexican, no. Most pizza, no. I tjink just because i no longer enjoy tomato sauce. Chinese buffets no longer bring me pleasure. Chips, Cheetos, Doritos no longer bring me pleasure. The list goes on and on. It is so crazy. Combos (Pizza)!! Sushi, no. :(   Publix subs! Firehouse subs! It is crazy. Crab legs on the Chinese buffet. But maybe just b/c of the oil they pass off as buttery substitute. 

So what is left? Well, the Chinese restaurant up the block makes a good roast duck noodle soup (not vegan). But I guess the vegan for health reasons can be abandoned now, too! I wish it was a moral choice. Although I don't agree with the approach of some vegans I saw on that journey, their passion and commitment is something I wish I had. 

But I digress. I will eat the vegan food in my freezer or perhaps give it away. I have fake chicken, fake burgers & steel cut oatmeal. 

I love pretzel buns. Wendy's is using that. I never cared for Wendy's burgers. I still love Bacon. I love blackened shrimp in a salad (pref. Caesar). I still really enjoy bananas, pears and apples. Avocados. Fish. Some French fries. The prime rib at th Ale House. The fish & chips at the ale house. The 35 shrimp scampi at the ale house. The after 10pm calamari at the ale house (apps $5). 

Marscapone cheese (cannoli?). I still like Italian Sausage. I haven't tried hot dogs. 

Anyway, I was thinking of going on a fast. Really for economic reasons. The price of cremation goes up significantly above 250 lbs. I'm 281 

Anyway the take aways are that I'm changing my diet, going off meds, and going back to alcohol. Doing what I want. 

I'm all alone now. Nobody left to please. I am so thankful to Destiny G. Hawkins Alesch. Because my experiences with her led to other (unexpected) encounters that led to Lisa and what Lisa gave me for 2 years. A feeling of belonging. And I am so thankful to have had that. I wish I could have rode it out, but her husband's cheating with Dana Sims created an unexpected ending. I was surprised how it went down, but what's the difference? It had to end sometime. 

The ending with Dave Rondeau, however, was totally unexpected. Maybe I knew too many of his secrets. Either way, that to me is very sad. And sad because it goes beyond he & I. His girls. Rose,  Katie. Melanie. I'm sad & rambling. That's enough for day 1 of the end.