Day 3 over.

I just went on FB. It is something that seems to wound me every time. On Sat, my 'friend' writes, "who can I go out with tonight?" I'm sitting here. Banished and abandoned by her. Also Ostracized by the friend I have given the most time to the last 19 years. Again, double whammy. 

I am so not wanting to have to endure the physical suffering to come. I just want it to end quicker this time. I vacillate in the opinion whether these 3 extra years are a gift or a curse. Yes, a gift to her. Until she grew out of me. Yes a gift to other family & friends. But to me? I have to re-do that June-December shit of 2010 all over again. That takes 6 mos. and then how long until death? How much more pain (physical) can I endure?

1992, when I couldn't walk, that was a state of bewilderment. 

1994, when I took my fiancé's Moyther's advice (that was being given to her, not me) and let her go. Called it off. 

1995, when I was 80% involved, that was very hard. 

1999, Phys so many things went wrong. The arth. The Psor. I had lumps in both sides of my chest.

2001-2002, things were improving. Went to ASU. Graduated. Somewhat stabilized. 

2003, returned to Jax. 

2005, catastrophic accident. But then Ann to comfort me for 2 years. 

2009, another bout with mental issues (3rd time I'm aware, 1998, 2005 & 2009). 

2010, wheels come off at intersection of mental & physical. Along comes Lisa, who comforts me for over 2 years. 

2012, Lisa has grown tired. But I'm still there providing a variety of services. 

2013, Lisa decides services value less than hanging on. Dismissed. 

Mid-2013, back to where (ment, phys intersection) I was late 2010. Only now, no comforter. I am all alone. Not just lonely. Alone. The life I had built completely collapsed. 

And now I have to wait for the physical pain. 

The bottom of my left foot.