Moon rise, Sun rise in the Nation's Oldest City

Here I sit in one of my favorite positions~ on the beach. I have not had many Full Moon viewings in recent months, and generally am not a sunrise enthusiast. Today, I got to watch the crescent moon (waning) rise, in between the Venus-Mars-Jupiter triumvirate(?). In any case, it certainly would be described (by cosmologists) as a conjunction.

I recently was studying the big bang theory (BBT) and the ever expanding universe. It is interesting to me that when noted scientists 'stumble' on new principles (Einstein and Planck here) they try to re-work their findings to fit the existing scientific thought. E=mc2, Einstein tried to find some co-efficient to fit his findings into the solid state theory of the day, rather then the ever expanding universe that we have now come to realize exists!

But there is the common misconception that BBT is a single event, that Boom, then things developed. BBT is an ongoing situation...

As I consider these notions in the most simplistic of forms (since I do not have sufficient math background, something that I regret almost weekly), I wonder, what does it matter? I am like two steps from living on the street. I am constantly plagued by thoughts of death, of an ending. I exist in darkness. So why worry about cosmos research of the last 100 years?

And yet I am constantly drawn to read this stuff. Why? What impact is quanta and the uncertainty principle having on my life? Intriguing, but what can it do to heal this skin, these joints?

I am responding to the newest drug, Stelara, rather quickly. I had been developing patches on my elbows and knees that seem to be thinning on a hourly basis.

I am sleeping 3-6 hours a night in 2-4 hour intervals. Mania seems to be subsiding as this sleep is coming daily.

The frequency of intense headaches has increased. I still feel the constant vice around the circumference of my head; the pressure points, mid skull and the eyes pushing out have been the main problems.

I have been very anal about the Glucose levels and the use of insulin. I have been avg closer to 140 (as opposed to 350+). But I have noticed a rapid gain in weight. I am currently back to 300+ and rising. Yuck.

I am visiting with my parents, my niece in the Nation's Oldest City. I have been glad to be visiting the beach. I miss my playmate, which is stupid.

Chartless, I do not know how I am going to get there as I do not know where I am going.

If I am going to remain an ongoing concern, I need a plan.

18 1/2 years is too long

Death, why won't you come visit, come and take me away?
This existence my mind vexing, I'm longing for the day
When it all is over, and my soul released
From this physical prison, once I am deceased.

A Purposeless Driven Life

If man’s highest moral purpose is his own happiness,
Realizing that this is not attainable, why should he continue?
Objectivism talks about ‘a meaningful life.’
But what does this mean?
1. Physiological Functioning
2. Conceptual Consciousness
3. Freedom
a. Physically unable to carry out plans
b. Ability to act on judgments
4. Timing- ending it while still have ability to do so
exemplifies Conceptual Consciousness and Freedom,
is this a Paradox?
There is the idea of sub-Human existence. I have often described my life as such.

Wishing vs. Doing

I have always been a doer. It is something I learned by example of both of my parents; if you want anything done, do it.

Things don't just happen, you cannot count on (dumb) luck, things do not 'work out.' You make things happen.

That is why Objectivist philosophy has always appealed to me.

One of my problems with objectivist philosophy (in practice) is that you need 'goals'. very early on, I allowed myself to get side tracked from my goals, then abandoned them, and now really do not even really remember what they were.

And now (and for some time) my life has lost all meaning.

Remember Galt's Speech? (Man has two choices)... be a "rational being or suicidal animal..."

(A) Man's life is (his) ultimate value. The three values supporting this ultimate value are reason, purpose and self-esteem. The virtues that support these values are rationality, productivity and pride.

Rationality, man's most basic virtue, is the thing that allows man to be a goal- directed being, and that all of my activities, as a rational being, should support my goals. Unlike an animal, I am not be driven by momentary pleasures at the expense of our goals; such activity is irrational.

Worse yet would be hoping/wishing that things would happen. There is a false humility that exists~ virtuous-less hope: I wish to be rich, I wish for love, but never taking action that leads to these outcomes, nor even investigating what takes to acquire such things.

Hoping is abandoning responsibility. But the flip side of this 'humility' is a presumptuousness. Why? Because when you count on things to happen somehow, what you are really counting on is SOMEONE to do for you.

Productivity, the second objectivist virtue, is what allows man to set himself apart from his environment, freeing him from being subject to his environment. It is productivity that allow man to fashion his environment in support of his life's goals.

As such, productivity is the central purpose of the rational man's life. The most important aspect of productive work is the fullest and most purposeful use of my mind.

And it is my (current) lack of productivity that is getting me down. Why?

The third Objectivist virtue, Pride, is developed by "acquire(ing) the values of character that make (my) life worth sustaining." Self esteem being a primary Objectivist value, supporting the Objectivist premise that "the achievement of (my) own happiness is (my) highest purpose.

In my current state, I have abandoned rationality, am unproductive and lack pride.

Therefore, I am living like an animal, subject to my environment, only living for momentary pleasure.

As such, no longer a rational being, I am falling into the realm of a suicidal animal...

I wish things were different. And I am not a wisher, I am a doer. And that is a problem.

Is it Love?

I have never known love. This is as close as I have come:



I'm not sure if that is OK.
I miss my playmate. But for now, this will have to do. Double Double, XXX, extra toasted, Light Well Fries, Around the World (Choc-Van-Straw shake).
YUM! (?)

Giddiness

Not in the good, lighthearted manner, but rather more like dizziness associated with Vertigo.

This pain will not subside.

I have told my playmate that I will return to her as soon as possible. Need 2 weeks advanced purchase, I guess that would be May 19 or 20?

My skin is changing. Again. There is no relief.

I did feel a bit of longing and happiness.

Tick Tock

I am bored. Not momentarily, but I am in a perpetual state of boredom. I use perpetual, rather than permanent, because I am hopeful that it is not.

The hours pass...

My head in a vice, no relief from this pain.

Body beginning to make its very familiar turn.

To what end? Existence~ is this really living?

My prayer for death- ineffectual.

I'm ready.

I have a lot of hair growing on my thighs. That has never been the case before.

Two weeks of PsA meds left. What should I do? I have sent off a fax to my derm (in Jax) requesting that he submit applications for Humira and Cyclosporin since I was denied his drug choice, Stellera.

What's the point?

Please Death, come soon. But Not before Dec 3. I posited on my messed up mind blog that it would take that long for me to save up to pay my parents (2,900 now) and the cremation costs here in Plano (795 or 995, plus tax).

So now survival until Dec 3 is required. In the mean time I will have to arrange to pay the clerk of the courts monthly for 16 mos at $51/month. They will probably require 12 month plan or $68/month.

I am tired of this existence.

Yet excited that within 10 days, I could be eating a Double Double at In N Out Burger.

Seems Contradictory.

I miss my playmate. Even when she is sore with me, being with her is still better than not.