Again sitting on the end of the bed for hours

Another trip here. And more nothing. I'm wary. 

2015 ending, now what?

2015 coming to an end. I've been told (again) my services are no longer required, that I am free to pursue other interests. Inevitable, obviously. 

My other situation has taken a radical shift. Instead of my time being occupied, I am now preoccupied with the fact that it is no longer occupied. Tough. 

The walls are closing in. Those who have remained, still, are wary of me. Who can blame them? I thought it would end at the end of year P23. That time came and went. I was caught up with my child-friend. She is winding me down now. I was surprised by that. Seems she's just hanging on for one last romp through WDW in January. 

I'm trapped. These is only one solution. Only I'm not manic or depressed right now. So how can I act?

Why stretch 6 into 7

This has totally taken me by surprise. Upon return to the abusive, no supportive spouse, she has turned against me and what we were. 

I should have considered the possibility. I failed to. I guess I was too caught up in all the things I was doing for her. 

Now she has vanished. But not completely. And every time I think it is turning back, I find it is not. Yet I keep investing more in the situation. When will I cut it? I have always been good at recognizing the signs before the final event and always ready to walk.

This is not like any of those. And I did not see the signs b/c there were none. It was either an ultimatum or… idk. But here I am, being tossed about in the wind of whim. I don't need it. There was something I needed. 

This circumstance has led me to believe that when the time comes I will not be able to get what I need. It makes me sad. But I need to come to grips with it. 

And deal. And do that thing that I am so good at. Rambling. It's time to be on my way. My investment is lost. There is no good left. Only more taking. I'm sad. I mean really sad. 

I am so aware that each and every situation I am in is only temporary. I am no one's solution. I am a filler until he real problem can be addressed. I never decide when it is over. I only have had a knack for recognizing the approach of the end. This time I was surprised.

But like I said, this situation is so incomplete. And completely based on my outputs. There is no give and take. I thought I was storing up for when I had a need. But I guess it was never the case.  

Beach weekend boomerang trip (not beach) And substitute

So the girl returned on Fri 10/30 We went to Ale House Fri Nt, Sea World Sat, Boston Lobster feast Sat nt, Busch Gardens Sun & Delmonicos Sun Nt. Mon she was fine in AM when leaving for airport at 5, but started being sick at airport. Missed flight. SWA put her on next non-stop. She got home and did not go to work.

Busch Gardens made this an epic trip for her. She is a huge giraffe fan. We signed up for a safari ($50/person extra). Epic photos of her with giraffe. 

Trip was not without uncomfortableness. I guess not being intimate with her on WDW trip out her in an awkward place. When asked, she said she no longer wanted me 'touching.' So I withdrew all contact. I went to Houston for 3 days that followed and continued the not touching, even though there we slept (actual sleeping) in the bed together. 

The trip there was somewhat productive for her. Helped her get a lot of things in order there in her home. 

Next up will be visiting her during Thanksgiving trip. She wants to return to WDW for Dec/Christmas, but cannot reconcile these events and her need to see herself as moral, even though I decided and told her I did not want that kind of situation with her and followed it up with inaction when she was looking for action last night of WDW trip. 

My 5 day WDW Vaca with a 24 year old

I've been sick for almost 23 years. To celebrate, I went with a 24 year old to Disney. 

Nats-Nao-Nicole-Naomi-Natalie 

Canova Beach 10-5 3am

We mostly had a good time. It went by quickly. 

We stayed at the Allstar Resort for 3 nights, followed by one night at the beach. 

We visited all 4 parks. Major attractions missed included the big 4 at EPCOT: Spaceship Earth, Soarin, Test Track and Mission Space. 

The girl was sick for an entire day in the middle of the trip. Second trip with her, second time sick. It impacted touring plans significantly. 

Girl particularly liked Delmonicos and the DHS duo of Rock n Roller Coaster and Tower of Terror. She also liked Expedition Everest, Kilimanjaro Safari, she got a Ariel shirt, plus two shirts as a gift at the AK (including a giraffe shirt) and she got into pin collecting at the end. 

The Food and wine festival was fun, but maybe less of a hit than expected. She did not think much of the lobster roll. 

Went to the Orlando Eye. Ate in Morocco & at Cinderella's Royal Table. Morocco ended up being a bit of a fiasco b/c it rained and destroyed the girls make up between the park gates and the restaurant. The service there was subpar, they would not serve her alcohol, and I ended up not getting anything. She had something with feast in the title, but she didn't care for many of the items. 

Missed reservations at Donald's Safari lunch in AK and Lunch at Coral Reef Restaurant at EPCOT. Other misses included Boston Lobster Feast and Shake Shack (both on I-Drive). Giordano's was NOT a hit. We almost went to Cirque du Soileil. Almost. 

Almost 23 years. I thought I was going to let the end come. On my terms. But then the girl decided to come back. This month! So I had to medicate. Head and body. But I wait for the beginning of the end. Soon enough. 

It was almost a conflict free month

Except that it is the most painful time of the year for me. So how could it be conflict free. The afterglow of a fun vacation extended for exactly two weeks. 

I nearly forewent the treatment. I would like an ending. 23 years is too long. 

The girl, she was funny yest eve for a few min and even funnier tonight. I'm just tired. I was hopeful. But I was wrong. Again. 

Funny thing about that. How can I be so wrong. All the time?

I am nobody's answer. I am the bane of my own existence. It is time for an ending. Soon. 

Um, yeah.

So yesterday's fiasco? I got punished with a no contact decision today. To the girl's detriment. She got a 75% on a quiz. And I am sad for myself and sad for her. 

She had a funny way about her in the communication we did have. Oh well. I guess (as usual) I miss judged what was and what could have been. 

WDW -5

So I needed attention tonight. I was on phone, but couldn't get any. It's crazy. I know something is wrong with me. But this is crazy. 

I don't exist

So I was posting photos of the trip to social media. Then it dawned on me that the social media maven had no pics of us posted. There must be a reason for that. So I took the pics down. 

Texas trip in review

Well, I am not quite recovered. I can't tell if I'm manic or not. I know I have no peace. 

I drove out Friday Morn. I was mostly excited. I got to meet my virtual friend in her natural setting and hang out for about 2-3 hours before she went to work. We made plans for after work and for the next morning. 

When after work came, the girl did not show up. When we spoke the next AM, everything had changed. She said she would be disposed until 4. 

We ended up meeting at 4pm, going to dinner (Ra Sushi), the show (The Little Mermaid Musical), and then driving to Austin for the night on the way to visit my parents in Plano. 

The trip to Austin had a few things go wrong. There was an accident on the route which had the road closed down. The hotel wanted to put a $50 hold on my debit card-- I was worried about a repeat of the over charges. Finally, the girl ate at 3am and spent the next day, nearly 5 hours of it, anyway, sick. Food poisoning sick. So that led to us being unable to complete the trip to Plano. 

My parents didn't want anyone sick coming around them. esp my dad with the pacemaker. Esp my mom getting surgery. 

So we returned to Houston that night. I stayed with the girl until 3am. It was mostly a very lovely time. 

Then I left and drove first to Melbourne, then home. 

Things are not great. I can't put my finger on it. I'm not right. So there's that. 

Well, that was awkward

So the interaction was for the most part bad. Very selfish little girl. 

She told me she did not accurately understand the situation. She has friends… 

When pushed, though, no not like this. 

Well, better now than later. 

Real boy status -7

Well, I guess things are coming together for an actual meetup. Weird. In Sept, we will go through Houston and take the girl with us to Plano. 

In October, the girl will travel here. She purchased a SWA flight last night. 

Crazy. 

Well that's strange

Here I sit. For 120 min. Doing nothing. Like I am some type of toy or plaything existing, but not really, until I am picked up again. And I was dropped mid-sentence. 

I am not sure how much more I can take. 

Virtual v. IRL

Well, I've vascillated between thinking this situation is sophmoric, stupid, idiotic to thinking it is the greatest possible situation. 

Turns out, it's neither. It is still a relationship between two people. Two people whose needs and wants often converge and (almost equally) diverge. 

Any relationship requires mutual respect and admiration to grow successfully and healthily. I remain ever the jerk. I cannot not change. The duality of my nature, the push-pull: so giving, yet such a selfish jerk is even on display in this situation. As always, the jerk is tolerated because the good guy is so good. But eventually, the jerkiness will be too much. 

I am aware of the jerkiness. Even took to apologizing for it today. There is no excuse. Why allow this duality to exist? 1. Identify issue✔️. 2. Take corrective action. 3. Reevaluate. 

I only ever make it to step 1. This situation is completely different than any I've ever known. This is about getting what I need through giving, which is common theme. But this is so different. I must end the jerkiness. 

Sunday 8/23. First fight.

How do you have a fight with someone in a box? I didn't think it was possible. I found out otherwise yesterday. 

It does not have the feel of an IRL fight, other than the same unpleasantness. And, of course, that I am likely the one to blame. Duh. 

And there is not really a 'makeup,' either. The whole thing is quite queer. Oh, well. 

F*%# this $#*+

So yesterday the girl said "you don't have to… I'd still come into these casts…" the fact that the girl made such a statement means that this is the only reason she is in these casts. Smh. 

Today we were talking, she was getting ready for the gym. Suddenly, she was gone. I sat around for over 1 hour waiting for her. Then I thought, waaaaatttt?

She eventually made contact and led with you are mad, upset, disappointed, unhappy. 

I said, you said all those things. I mean really, like I tell her all the time, this is not real. She is a girl in a box. Ahe said, "Am I a ghost?" I told her that she only has to click out to disappear, so in that sense, she could become a ghost. 

The whole thing is stupid. I have begun to build my life around when I would get to see her. It's not real. None of it is. I must extricate mysef from this. I told her as much. She says I need to stop saying that, that everything is fine, all of this is OK. But re-read the first § of this post…

Existential crisis on Sat

Well, I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know how to be. Assuming I am not currently sick, and not overly traumatized by physical malady, I don't know how to live. 

It's bizarre. And I think that living in this fake world is making things WORSE. 

As I vacillate between IRL and Virtuality

This stasis between the two worlds has created a conundrum where I really don't exist in either. 

Today was a rough day for my virtual playmate. There were external stressors involving work, family & home life including disruptions to her feelings about her marriage. 

I have worked hard to support her in the health journey/school journey/relationship journey. I am hopeful for her. 

I'm not sure what else I could do. She was very angry today. Very. And she said she was trying to contain that anger in her conversation with me. 

At work, pressure from both above, with her boss trying to get her to take on more work and below, with a recently reprimanded employee underhandedly threatening to bolt and leave my friend in the lurch. 

I worry for her. I remain hopeful. So much promise. So much life still to live. I'm not so lucky. I am awaiting an ending. 

Acceleration continues, to what end

At this point we are talking about non stop communication, from waking to beyond sleep time. 

Why? What is this?

There is not end in sight. So the end will be abrupt. And unpleasant. Most likely for me, anyway. 

I suggested a contact holiday at some point in the next ten days. A day without contact. I was rebuffed. Specifically, the answer was, No, I'm not going to agree to that. What? 

No extrication. Instead dug in with two hands

The lunacy has accelerated instead of slowing or stopping. In 8 days I have sustained what I consider significant losses. What is wrong with me?

I cannot allow these losses to interfere with the planned obsolescence. Must commence before 10/31. Had TX 8/5. Only because of this situation. That's nuts. 

9/30 looks like next TX date. Will not be full blown by 10/31. 

More of the same. Obsession. Foolish.

So I've continued in the same desperate vein. And feel the fool. Oh well. Hopefully I will extricate myself from it soon. 

How do you end something that does not exist?

Lying. It's one of the worst things I can think of. 

And yet we lie all the time. We lie to protect the feelings of others, we lie to save our own skin. 

But when we lie in a sloppy manner, what is the message we are trying to send? When we freely provide proof that shows us as lying, what are we trying to say to the target of our lie?

I'm so tired. Of everything. Of everyone. Every act is a slight. I must be the biggest buffoon in history. Or at least be perceived as such. 

How do I leave this situation? I just click out. Don't respond. Change my contact info. Anything. 

I don't want to be made to feel like someone is contacting me out of obligation. That it is a burden. It's so stupid. Just end the whole thing already. It's not even anything real. It was fun., right? Now it's not. Fine. Move on. 

The oddity continued, but what is appropriate?

I am surprised to look on here and see the 6/19 post. The oddity was a full blown obsession through Sunday, I guess. 

Something was altered that day, though. I realized that this whole thing was not real, but make believe. Of course, I knew that. But in existing in the moment, I somehow managed to block out that fact. 

Having realized it Sunday, it was proven again to me tonight (Tuesday). I actually was irked. I'm not sure that this is an appropirate thing, an appropriate response, though. After all, it's only make believe. 

I guess I'll just adjust. That's probably what I need to do. Head back into the real world, or at least not leave it for the land of make believe…

It was fun there (in the land of make believe) for a while. I remembered what it meant to care. About anything. But it's not real. It is only vapor. And the slightest breeze can blow a vape cloud away. 

It's been a strange time

I have a new obsession. It is a curious oddity, and one that I expect to pass quickly. 

Still, life is weird. I am still trying to remember to always be in the moment, to be present in the now. 

The past is behind. Tomorrow does not exist. Be here, today. 

My so called life…

Periscope… not real. But neither is anything else in my life. 

I'm ready. Tough choice since not currently manic or depressed. Just fed up. Or as I was told by one of my sister's drivers today, I'm just dicking around. Or as my father just said, same shitty attitude. 

Ok. Process commencement soon. I feel so lucky. Blessed even. And at peace. I haven't felt this peace in a few years, and then it was make believe. I'm hoping this is the real thing. 

Periscope 4/3pm-4/4am (5:45am!)

Periscope has changed a lot in the last week. It has gone from voyeurs commanding streamers to show their fridge to showing their (multiple female specific body parts). That last part is rather annoying. 

Today, I was a worldwide voyeur. I listened to four different women monologue or respond to texts through system or interact with others in the environment around them. (I did capture some screen shots)

PERISCOPE LOGO

One was named Lily, in San Franscisco. She went to work, went bowling with a group from work, was in her ultra expensive apt, went out for gelato in SF with her boyfriend. She was personable, entertaining. 

One was named Christina, in LA. She is the CEO of a Virtual Reality content production company. She was also very engaging, interesting. She showed them working on some VR stuff, went to a Magic show, chased her cat around. 

A third woman, Amanda Oleander, is a (mostly) digital artist. She was the one thinking most of how to utilize this medium to her benefit. She had a whole scheme set up, saying she was going to host private Periscope sessions, where she could get to know her followers. She was interesting and entertaining. Also in LA, she does art work for some major TV outfit. She had integrating art work on her website (for sale) and took the viewers through her book collection while waiting for the kettle to boil for tea. 

The last periscope I was involved with was a young girl (23) from Norway named Guro. She was just getting up, which was a contast with the other 3 who were in different stages of getting finished with work to getting ready for bed. She talked and talked and talked about a lot of things. She was pleasant. She had been learning English since kindergarten there in Norway, but said during the stream that she had learned more about English in the last 5 years on YouTube. Apparently she follows Vlogs, one she is a big fan of called Shaytarfs. They are in Idaho. When she was talking about wishing to come to the U.S., she specifically mentioned Idaho and Alaba (b/c of Forrest Gump). Weird how our media impacts people in other countries.

(This is not a screen shot, but I didn't want to leave her out, this pic is from her feed). 

 

There was a 5th periscope, a couple. They went to Magic Montain (6 flags in CA). They were fun, funny, and showed some things there at the park. But something must have creeped the girl out enough during her periscoping that she created a second handle. 

Sounds of Spring

As I sit here in my living room, in the silence and darkness, I hear the sound of a bird chirping emanating from the solarium. 

It is a sound I have not heard in months, but a reminder of the awakening and rebirth that comes with Spring. 

Spring has been in the air a while here, now, as evidenced by the accumulation of pollen on the truck glass when I do leave the house at the end of each week. But this is different. There really is something to those sounds. 

So far, the bird's chirping appears to be a Solo Act. I do love the solarium, a window into the outside plunked down in the center of the house. 

Joy & the Absence of Sorrow sustains me

This was a message I hand-wrote for you today- one I had often thought of sharing, but don't remember ever doing so:

To this day, I Feel nothing nothing but Joy when I think of you. Where there should be saddness- nothing but complete and overwhelming joy; Where there should be emptiness- I am overflowing; instead of a hole in my heart, there is nothing but a bursting & pulsating fullness of joy. 

I was so undeserving. I came with nothing to give- shrouded completely in blackness, a broken mind and a broken body. And yet you gave and gave and gave, perhaps until there was no more to give. You gave something I did not know to seek- something I would not think to ask- something I definitely did not deserve. 

Should I be sad at the loss of something so grand? Maybe, but I feel no loss. Instead, it is the memory of moments, conversation, laughter, silliness, feeling, thought, and even touch that fills my heart. I am not sad it did not continue- how could it?- with my poisoned mind and body. That it was held onto as long as it was- was likely too much. 

Today I still struggle with both poisoned mind and body. But as there has been for a long time, there is an ebb and flow. The torment- it is always there. When the darkness is waning- right at the apogee- I am bathed completely in the light of my time with and the memory of you. I am so full of joy in those moments. I am experiencing such a moment right now. I realize that the waxing of the darkness will commence- I was deep in it not so long ago- but I hold onto this joy as long as I can and it is a longing for this joy that sustains me through the darkest times. But while in the light of this joy, I simply wanted to say thanks. Thank you, so much for your completeness. 

46 years. A life time of happiness and regret.

Life has been so good for me. Too good. 

There is so much talk these days about white privilege. It is something I am intimately aware of. Late 20 Century white male American privilege. My life is a testament to it. 

I have lived way better then my station in life should allow. I have a number of chronic illnesses, including recurring Bipolar manic episodes. They were finally my undoing. First evident one was 1998-1999, again in 2004-2005 and then 2009-2011. Essentially every 5 years? I'm not sure I ever looked at it that way. 

So much of my story is tied to poor health. I was due April 17, 1969, but was born on March 10. After getting past the premature birth (low birth weight, jaundice), my next health issue, in April 1969, was called a pyloric stenosis. It is a thickening of the pyloric muscle that prevents food from passing from the stomach into the intestine. In my case, it led to projectile vomiting. My parents say they had to feed me from behind a rubber sheet. The remedy was a pylorectomy. In this surgery, the outer fascia of the pylorus is cut across, essentially allowing the constricted pylorus musclature to expand, allowing the construction to be relieved and the pylorus to allow food to pass from the stomach. Apparently, the doc who performed the surgery was not worried about cosmetic appearance- to this day I have a large scar on the right side of my abdomen:

Anyway, after that, I had a pretty normal childhood, I broke my left ulna (or was it the radius?) which is the  forearm, falling from a jungle gym at 4 years of age. 

Also in childhood, there were two issues and one other event: hearing problems 3-5 grades, allergies to just about everything, and a tic bite that left me paralyzed for a few days. I have no recollection of any of these events, only what my Mother has told me. I have a terrible autobiographical memory. My sisters will talk about things, places, events, I have no memory of most of them. Some I have co-opted their memory through story repetition. 

Anyway, when I was 15 or 16, we moved from Long Island to South Central RURAL Georgia. I have a pretty good memory of most of that period, but not all. Anyway, I graduated high school and went off to college (back on Long Island). 

I had a couple of illnesses in college that contributed to my lack of success. I went fall of 1987 and Spring and Fall of 1988. After that, I did not return to NY except for cousins weddings or aunt/uncle funerals, other to get engaged. 

In 1990 I moved, as a member of my parents' household, to Jacksonville. In Fall of 1991 after establishing residency, I enrolled in St. John's River Community College. I graduated at the end of the following summer with a Associate of Arts degree, using a combination of credit from CW Post and SJRCC. I looked at UNF, but they wanted me to repeat any classes older than 5 years old. I did not want to duplicate. 

It was October 31, 1992 that I came down with Psoriatic Arthritis. Psoriasis is a skin disease that ordinarily involves plaques; I had come down with Arthritis, in my shoulders, hands, fingers, hips and toes. The hips prevented me from walking for a short time. The plaques, initially 3 on my head, eventually covered my entire body by 1995. 

I was wheelchair bound for about 8 months. I moved back to my parents home, again. I was unable to work. Eventually, the hips improved. The fingers and toes, less so. The shoulders never did- in combination with later injuries, they (esp. the right one) don't allow for my arms to be fully rotated over my head. 

By Early 1994, I was eager to return to the world of work. I had gotten engaged to a Long Island girl at Christmas time, with an expectation of getting married in August 6, 1994. I got a job at Fortune Insurance Company in April. By Late May, I had broken off the engagement. My decision was based, in part, my my fiancee's mother's words: you are going to spend your (her) while life taking care of him. She was right: I did not know anything about this disease; the walking did improve, but the skin continued to get worse. In hindsight, it turned out to be the best decision I ever made. She would have been sentenced to a very horrible life. I've had a number of bouts with an inability to walk; I've been bounced from a number of jobs due to things that can all be traced back to either illness or sickness. 

I will have to pick this up later. My fingers are in too much pain to continue at this time. 

No dining out solo-Lent, Veg (No Meat) March- the perfect storm

So I gave up dining out alone for Lent. This is a big sacrifice. The 'alone' caveat is important- it does not allow the decision to impinge on anyone else. 

It is also not relevant- it has only been an issue twice since February 18, that's almost 3 weeks ago. Once it was with PAS (Feb 20) and once it was with BAB (March 6). 

But the intersection of this rule with the diabetes/weight loss doc rule of under 30 carbs, coupled with No Meat March have created an eating perfect storm. Which is crazy for a non-belonging, non-drinking, non-rolling, non-exercising, non-sexual, non-social being. Food is the only thing left to trigger any of the reward centers in my brain. 

So my diet is pretty restricted. Although I have pretty much all the time in the world, with the severe limitations on consumption, who wants to spend all their time in the kitchen?

So this is a breakdown of my dietary regimen:

Breakfast is either a bagel thin, a PB & J uncrustable or a Belvita Banana Nut Biscuit. The bagel thin is 29g Carb/160 kcal; the uncrustable is 28/210; the biscuit is 32/190. Great on calories, not so great for staying under 30g carb. 

Another meal (or sometimes 2 if a 4-meal day) is usually Advantedge Protein shake by EAS/Abbott. The Premier Protein is what the doc wants (5/160-but 30g of protein), but the advantedge is a non-milk protein and is 1.5/100 with 17g of protein. This is great for both carb and calories, and before March 1 there was no breakfast meal, just this 3x a day + dinner. 

Since March 1, 'Dinner' has become a base of bell peppers, onion (white or yellow) and white mushrooms, generally sautéed in PAM. That has been the base of the meal for the last 8 days. It is dressed up one of four ways: 

Vegetable Soup. A base of Veg Broth, garlic, Finely chopped, chopped and strained tomatoes; the Veg Mix  and some bean, so far to include black, northern, navy, green pigeon and white kidney. 

Franks & beans: Franks here is Frank's Red Hot (it is veg, after all). I've been using Bush's Vegetarian Baked Beans, Sauerkraut, the Veg Mix  and Sabarett onion sauce. This is the most 'convenience' based meal, and also the highest by far in sodium. 

Stir Fry: Veg Mix; Walden Farms Sesame Ginger dressing (No Carb, Fat nor Calories), 1/2 teaspoon of stir fry seasoning premix; all added to a bed of cabbage slaw, broccoli slaw (both sautéed), cilantro and mung bean sprouts. 

Taco Salad: Veg Mix; Walden Farms Chipotle Ranch dressing (No Carb, Fat nor Calories), Frank's Red Hot, 1/2 teaspoon of taco seasoning premix, diced tomatoes and a black bean mash; over a bed of lettuce. 

These meals are all a blend of mostly whole food with some non-cal components and some convenience items. They are low cal, low fat, low carb and non-meat. 

They have satisfied some of my reward centers, so far. I've had each iteration twice. 

Since the doc commanded me to lose 70 lbs (I've lost 61) I have been eating much less meat, but was still drinking milk and eating cheese, yogurt and sour cream. Originally for No Meat March, I was going to continue dairy. Later decided to cut that out, also.  

Of course, the 70 lbs loss mandate was only b/c I told her that "250 doesn't really represent weight loss for me- anytime I'm particularly ill, I drop to 250-255." Last visit, she upped the ante another 30 lbs (100 total- that would be a sub-215!). I told her my 'in shape' weight was 233. She said, maybe at 25 yrs old (she was right- that was when that was last true). She said likely a lot less muscle now- also very, VERY true. (She said my 'ideal' goal should be a weight of 150-175; I told her I was rail thin at HS Grad and was 165). 

I'm in that range now (253-256). And I've been at a complete stand still since going veg (March 1). She said it is the carbs from the added breakfast meal. Before that was not part of the diet I was on. But no milk nor cheese seems to have cut our carbs, too. We'll see. 

My A1c was 7.7. That is the best reading I've gotten since my diabetes diagnosis. By a lot. My daily B/S has been 87-113 typically for over a month. This is still with both metformin (pill) & meal time insulin.

I have a physical some time in the next fortnight. 46 comes. It's not s great time. But still, Life is Good. 

Side exposure- monumental fail

I often think about moments and events in my life both in isolation and the grand schema that is my life. 

I once had a girl whom I was helping exposing side boob to me on a daily basis. I never thought anything of it. 

She was the artistic type, maybe subconsciously I thought that this was just typical hipster couture. We were working on a project, in the heat, in the Deep South. Who wouldn't want to minimize clothing/skin contact in such an environ?

When she later started coming on to me, explicitly, she explained that the side boob was meant to be a come on. I guess it was more a matter of different culturalization. Not that I ever ran with a hipster crowd. Maybe that I had been exposed to them. 

It's funny how upbringing affects our perception. 

JFK assinated at 46

I'm going to be 46 next week. Sheesh. 

Bill O'Reilly is a liar. But who cares? His detractors- proving this gets you no where. His supporters- controversy is their life blood. But he is not a report. He is not an Anchor (like B. Williams). Get over it. 

Jen Bush said an interesting thing the other day- Republicans are great at defining what they are against. Less so for what they stand for. 

Obamacare, bad. But what will they replace it with? (Nationally)

Medicaid expansion, bad. But they were accepting LIP money. Now that this has dried up, what are they going to replace it with? (Florida)

Budget shortfall, bad. Cuts to police force by 147 officers must be Mayor's fault. But an increase in tax revenue due to higher property values is a tax hike? There was still a budget shortfall. (Jacksonville). 

This whole world has gone insane. Clintons using CGI to peddle influence & access. Jen Bush, the non-candidate, taking advantage of the Citizens United ruling to pile up hordes of cash. Obama refusing to use the term 'Islamist.'

How do you negotiate with someone who would deny your right to exist? (Iran). 

How do you decide to Arm the 'least' radical group (Syrian opposition, after the lessons of Afghanistan/USSR war and the eventual rise of Al Qaeda. 

The whole war on terrorism is a losing proposition. Is Muslims have placed so little value on their own lives (suicide bombing), but consider the lives of infidels less valuable? 

I think about how we finally won WWII, by decimating two Japanese cities with the Dropping of Little Boy & Fat Man on the Japanese. Although the Japanese were willing to use suicide bombing (kamikaze) to achieve military goals, this was for the warrior class. Certainly the loss of life of the general citizenry had to have weighed heavy on the Emperor's decision to surrender. (Of course, there is a lot of debate surrounding these events, their goals & necessity). 

The annihilation of those two cities

A terrible, horrific tragedy. But what outcome could be expected if it was the Islamists that these bombs were dropped on? Not very good, I'm afraid. We'd have to keep bombing. 

President Obama recently brought up the Crusades in discussing the problems with the fight against Islamists. At the Feb 5, 2015 prayer breakfast, the president said:

Humanity has been grappling with these questions throughout human history. And lest we get on our high horse and think this is unique to some other place, remember that during the Crusades and the Inquisition, people committed terrible deeds in the name of Christ. In our home country, slavery and Jim Crow all too often was justified in the name of Christ.

I've thought about this a lot for the last three weeks. Specifically the Crusades, where 'Christian' warriors were dispatched to fight Islamists. But I think the President is wrong in this framing, but not for the reasons that have the right wing, esp. Evangelical politicos up in arms- the Crusades had a bigger goal of stopping Islamist expansion. They failed. 

And the rise of the Islamists occurred precisely as the Dark Ages were ushered in. Is this a coincidence? What dangers exist today that could allow the activity of the Islamists to usher in a new Dark Era?

As this has been the focus of much of my thoughts lately, maybe it is something that can be researched. As a friend and I have often discussed, every civilization has a rise and a fall. It is history that delineates the actual 'when.' We have discussed this regarding economics and the U.S. V. China super power dominance. But what if, like in the early Middle Ages, it is a third group, like the Islamists?

Recommended: less testing (Duh).

I was going to send this to my friend, a 3rd/4th grade teacher here in Jacksonville. But with the new phone, I don't appear to have her email handy. 

45 of 180 days. That is 1/4. Insane. 

The itch is returning

Just when everything is becoming so settled. 

Foot hole closed early January. Wearing custom shoes & orthotics to protect/maintain gains. (Hole in bottom of foot appeared in June, 2013)

Weight loss continuing. Hernia repairs healing nicely. Lost about 57 lbs so far. Doc had asked me to lose 70. 

Diabetes under tightest control since 1996-97 diagnosis. A1c was 7.7. Usually runs 12.7-13.5. Best control in last 2 years (maybe 10'years?) was 10.4 last Jan. And I was pumping so much insulin into me. 

Co-pay on Remicade may be $10. After tricking me into paying $2K, when I showed for appt they collected another $10. 

But the itch might be returning…

And I won't fight it this time. Best to go out when I'm in the best condition of the last 15 years rather than the worst. 

Sons of Liberty in 3 parts- squash the little guy?

I just started watching the mini drama Sons of Liberty. Right off, we are introduced to Samuel Adams, a tax collector who doesn't effectively collect taxes & John Hancock, a merchant who is beating the duty (tax) system by paying off the governor. Always the way it has been? Let the 'job creators' slide while placing the burden on the backs of the working man. 

I know a lot about history, but not specific ideas like this in great detail. But this was the reason for the uprising in the colonies, Sam Adams as narrator would have us believe? That the fact that he failed to collect taxes on the working man led to revolution? And why would John Hancock be a willing collaborator? Beating the system not enough, why not be free from it all together? 

I'm looking at our local political situation: you have a democrat, Black mayor, running on the idea of no new taxes while our city's pension obligations are not being met and the inner core of the city is crumbling? And against him is running a 'job creator,' labeling himself as a political outsider, the recent past chairman of the Republican Party of Florida? From a Jan2014 letter to the Miami NBC affiliate over party 'name calling:'

Everyone wants services. But everyone wants to not pay for them. It is a crazy situation. 

There is just so much corruption. But maybe that's the way it has always been. Create a system, and the first thing the powerful will do is try to cheat it. Maybe the first thing anyone will do is try to cheat it. But those without means will pay immediately, whereas the powerful will have the means to combat it. 

I've fallen, but still getting up…

I went to doc today after falling 2x Monday due to what I described as marshmallow feet. 

1.  I've gained 17 lbs in 9 days. 

2. I've been taking the insulin wrong for an entire year. The 2014 ins plan primary put me on Novolog and had me taking 2x a day; the endocrinologist I saw on Sept & Oct continued this. All this time, taking a bolus like it was basal. 

3. He didn't think much of the falls. "Be careful," he said. 

17 lbs gained in 9 days. My avg intake has bee about 1,250 KCal. Doc explained it as diff in scales. Um, no. 

These shorts are 38" waist and are forcing belly up. Looks fatter, anyway. Did drink that can of Pepsi b/c of the 31 B/S reading…

Remicade battle ♿️ 2015

Here I am at home. Unassisted walking for the first time in 20 mos. 

253 and dropping

Visited Doc today. 

B/S control is fairly tight. Bonus 'side' effect-

Weight: 253. This is first time I've been 253 and not I'll since 1995. (Diagnosed T2 diabetic in 1997). 

There really is something to this not eating. 

And to think, soon I'll be able to add exercise!

B/S control? After 17 years?

Well, this week, a milestone:

The high deviation is because of the drop; I'm excite to see where this goes!

I am currently taking 1-2 Metformin pills, 1000mg, plus 5-10 units, but not necessarily daily, of Novolog, and even more sporadically 5-8 units of Novolin, if I think there is going to be a higher carb situation. 

Wow. I did have 1 hypo- and 1 hyperglycemic reading, on the same morning. I have that set at <70 and >140. I had a 64, ate some heavy carbs and it shot up to 154. 

The best thing is that the waking B/S seems to be so in check. Normally 300-350++, this has really been where I've improved so dramatically. 

June 14, 2013- Jan 15, 2015 left foot wound

Today, at his office in St. John's Town Center, Dr. Swain declared my foot ulcer closed. It was first discovered June 15, 2013 after midnight. Earlier that day, I had assisted a employee of Brooks company with a 'valet' garbage pick up. I had done this with the guy 7 times over the prior 11 days. 

One pair of sneakers completely gave out. The process included running up and down stairs of 10 buildings, each with two unconnected landings, for a total of 20 trips up and 20 trips down. 280 trips on the stairs at 313lbs over 11 days. 

Thus began my journey in foot care & wound care. They are not the same, as I would find out. 

I tried putting Neosporin in the wound and covering it with a band aid. It was recommended that I soak the foot in Epsom Salt (by my Mom). After a couple of weeks doing this, and it NOT getting better, I called a foot doc that had some surgery on my angle in October the year before. The first avail appt was 9/5. 

Sept-Dec, I was under the DPM care, which involved a bi-weekly visit to one of his offices for a debridement. I also had a home health nurse visiting 3xs a week. During this time I had a lot of exudate discharging from the wound. I was fitted with a wound vac; but the treating nurse did not accurately follow the wound vac protocol, which included putting foam between my foot and the hard plastic basket. The result: The wound got significantly worse. I finally asked the DPM to discontinue the wound vac. He agreed and said he would enroll me in a study he was conducting instead. 

In January, I entered a foot study he was conducting. It involved receiving (or not, if in the control) ultrasonic waves, with the thought that they would promote healing. 

At first, the wound improved greatly. The visits were basically 2xs a week, and each time I would get the debridement, then the protocol. 

After that, the visits were once a week, and the protocol applications were even more spread out. The DPM discussed with me the possibility of osteomyelitis being present, and that this could involve the removal of the outer 1/3 of my left foot (4 & 5th metatarsals). 

The study ended, and from May-July, the DPM kept pushing the idea of osteomyelitis. On June 17, he had me go to the emergency room of St. Vincent's, with the intent of being admitted and him performing surgery. The ER doc did not agree with the idea that the osteomyelitis had progressed to the degree that the foot required major surgery. I was discharged. 

The DPM opinion and the ER doc opinion were both based on X-Rays; the DPM (or his office) did not want to do the work required to get an MRI, necessary for an actual conclusion. It was then that I determined I needed a new doc, or at least a second opinion. 

I called the ins, and requested that they give me a wound center to go to. In the 2000's, I had a wound on my leg that was successfully treated. The provided me with one: Memorial Wound Care. 

The first avail appt was 8/19. So I continued seeing the DPM through June, July and Aug. The DPM finally got the MRI ordered for Aug 15. I had the MRI done, they told me the results would be avail 8/20. I went to the wound center 8/19. I saw Dr. Swain for the first time. He immediately had a plan: at the first sign of infection, he would remove a piece of bone from my 5th metatarsal. 

I went to the wound care center 2xs a week, from 8/19-11/6. One day was a doc visit, the other was for the nurses to change the dressing. During the nurse visit on 11/6, the head nurse, Lu (for Lucinda), called the doc. The foot had suffered a blow out indicative of infection. Dr Swain came to the wound center, inspected the wound, then made some calls. Next, I was admitted to the hospital for a metatarsal resection. 

I was in the Hosp from 11/6-11/10. On 11/7, Dr. Swain, DPM, performed successful surgery. Why do I call it successful? In just over 60 days, he declared the wound closed!

After the surgery, visits to the wound care center were once a week through the end of the year. That was supplemented by a twice weekly home nurse visit. The nurses changed the dressing, just as was originally being done at the nurse visit at the wound care center. 

He said that care would have to be taken over the next year; I would need special shoes & inserts. But no more wound dressing, no more home nurse visits, no more big procedure to prepare for a shower (the wound couldn't get wet). 

Here is what the wound looks like today:  

And a close up:

It looks like maybe there is still a scab. But if he says it is closed, I'm rejoicing!! 19 mos, almost to the day. But 5 mos to the day under this Doc's care, and 2 mos + a week after the surgery.