Oil Change

Made appt today for oil change on truck. Basic oil. $25 if booked online. Took 1st appt, 7:30. 

One of those things that must be done to maintain the vehicle. I go 5K. This is the first time I am getting the standard oil offering instead of high mileage. Deal was up to 6q of oil. At Walmart TLE, they always charge me extra for over 5q. 

Sex, no, intimacy.

It's been just over 5 months since I had any. 

That ended a 2 1/2 year run of fairly regular activity. Some times a few times a week, sometimes weekly. At the beginning of that period, multiple times a day, but that had more to do with her than anything for me. 

It's very weird. I stopped having regular normal sexual activity in 2005, and stopped all sexual activity near the end of 2007. 

I had a few experiences in early 2010, with 2 different 'friends.' None of the experiences had anything to do with me being satisfied (physically) although I did enjoy the intimacy. They certainly opened the door, or paved the way, for the intimate relationship I had from late-mid 2010 through 2013. 

This period was plagued with great physical and mental illness. But this 'pseudo-' relationship really powered me to (try to) struggle through. 

In the end, I was summarily dismissed. The situation was queer (in every meaning?) and there were too many dicks around. So I was put out. 

Something that I had learned to live without, found (mistakenly thought?) I did not need is something that consumes my thoughts at various times, sometimes multiple times a day! But it is not the 'release' I miss;!it is the intimacy, the closeness to someone. Even someone who at times could be emotionally abusive. Because when she was sweet, her tenderness washed through me at such a deep level. But it was not real. 

Summarily dismissed. It had to end sometime. But it was very painful. I only have a short time left. That time would have been so much easier if I was still living in a make believe world. The one in which I felt worthy of someone else's intimate care. Their touch. Their concern. 

Hospitalized in late 2010, she visited me daily. Hospitalized in late 2012, she didn't visit once. I should have walked then! But pitifully, I tried to hold on to something that I realized didn't exist, and maybe never had. Oh the pain. 5 months later. Not any duller. Thrown away by someone that keeps the contents of vacuum bags after they are full. That hurts so bad. To be thrown away by someone that has difficulty getting rid of broken toys, clothes with no value, used pizza boxes. 

Social suicide

I used to keep moving. Never settling with a friend or group of friends. Then I stopped. Now I am socially isolated. Rose is trying to reach out to me. But since being ostracized by her husband, how can I maintain a friendship with her? How can I still do things with their kids?

The answer to this is I cannot. 

I really am adjusting to this isolation. It all started with Lisa throwing me away. I gave her the last thing I could: a zoo membership. 

I am afraid. I don't want to deal with the pain of the return of severe P. but it's coming. We'll see. Oct 31. 

Technology termination

I have closed down my FB account(s). I am less focused on what others are doing. 

I'm tired of taking an interest in the activities of others, only to face an inquisition on 'how' I got the info, placed online for the public to see. It's as if some of those I know think I'd drive some 75 miles- at a time I'm not even receiving benefits- to stalk them. Please, get over yourself. 

Painting

Well, the painting was short lived. I pained (most) of one bed room. No trim. Out of paint. Have asked about it a few times. No actual response yet. Soon I hope. End definitely in sight. Need to finish this first, if possible.