2012 is gone

I really did not think I would make it out of 2012. But I held on. Not sure why, or how much longer I can hold on.

Welcome 2013.

The song remains the same. The year begins infested with PsA. Skin and joints both heavily involved.

Diabetes is unchecked (478). Was so good during Vegan period. Return to Veganism today.

This year, major event was leg infection. Aunt Elvi & Uncle Jack's passing were big, too.

15 yr Summary:
1998: returned to Fla
1999: lumps in both sides of Chest, stopped working
2000: severe PsA (SSDI)
2001: established Az residency
2002: graduated ASU
2003: worked WDW, Johnny returned to insurance
2004: Citizens
2005: car accident
2006: custody of Mak
2007: Danielle died, graduated FSU
2008: begin of Mental issues (Dec-manic)
2009: DUI (May), Bipolar diagnosis (July)
2010: bad check firing, erythrodermic P
2011: (SSDI), Felony Check conviction, Tara died
2012: Leg infection, Uncle Jack & Aunt Elvi died

1 Yr Ann of Tara's passing~ from TU Guestbook

August 09, 2011
Tara, there are no words to express the loss your passing has created. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life. Mark, Matthew and Andrew, I love you guys and look forward to seeing you all soon.

— Joe Vautrin, Atlantic Beach, Florida

Here we are

Another sleepless night, I'm not sure what to make of it So tired, still I cannot sleep Treatment in the morning Always hopeful!

And yet, I pray daily for death to come. To free me from this misery. Pain, physical, mental, spiritual.

I do hope to at least make the trip to Texas. I hope I die out there. I just don't know how much more of this I can take.

Please. End. Now.

Ending. Where you at, dog?
My mind in a continual fog.
New element: constant abuse.
At this point, what's the use?

Cannot expect it to happen naturally.
Nor in my cards, fortuity.
So I must carefully plan.
Since others refuse to understand.

No notes, no clues.
An ending, rather, of this abuse.
This life an effrontery,
To the most basic of human decency.

Body broken, and my mind
Given all, yet called unkind.
By the one who promised magik;
If that's what this is, you can have it.

You should have left me as I was found
At least by now I'd be in the ground.
Or in an box, maybe an urn;
Either way, free from this earth.

Your pettiness, and my pain;
This futility, exercise in vain.
From nothing, nothing returned;
When, you may ask, will I learn?

All I have given, still;
You say nere from me to pay bills?
Nothing left to give.
No good reason to live.

Let me go. A patch that has finally worn.
Please, for me, do not morn.
DO NOT! I forbid you.
Especially after what you put me through.

Silent Darkness

All at once darkness.
All at once silence.
Darkness disturbed by a bright flash.
Note the variety of colors.
Silence disturbed by a cacophony.
Try and isolate the various sounds.
Flashes fade.
Sounds disappear.
A return to the silent darkness.

When will it end?

I have nothing left to give.
No reason to exist or live.
Life with out hope.
With my time I mope.
I need some hemlock to sip.

Pain is my Bane, yet Earthbound I remain.

What is this throbbing behind my eyes?
Also the back of my head, should I cry?
It's as someone is driving a chisel into my brain.
Oh what is the source of this pain?
A pain unto death, hence the use of "bane."
But I'm afraid "bans's" meaning is lost on this age.
Once thought of as unto death, meaning "slain."
Now watered down, more of an annoyance.
Not unto death, but rather something that can not be avoided.
"Bane of my Existence" as we say.
With no implication that weight be slain.
Circular my lines have become.
More to say, yet this verse will remain undone.

Others find a way out, why can't I?

So much eats away at me
Like a constant wind, eroding my soul.
Peace is beyond reach.
Seemingly, Comfort is, too.

An ending.
Bang not required.
Whimper will be just fine.
Just let it be over. Soon.

I have given all.
It was never going to be enough.
Finish what was started. Work.
Settle up with those who provided life to me.
Then, an end?

Please pass by quickly...

March has begun.

Please let the end come quickly.

I can no longer endure this.

Make it through the job.

Money to parents.

That is what matters.

Then, the end.

If my reward is in Heaven, why do I persist in this realm?

Forty-three, will I see?
It is just a fortnight hence.
For in this life, only misery
Where is my recompense?

I have fulfilled needs
when for others needs arose
I have done many good deeds
when will I receive the payment owed?

For a laborer is worthy of his hire,
So the good book says.
Waiting for my funeral pyre,
For my reward will be delayed

Until Heaven I do reach
My reward is pending
For this the Bible also does teach
After life has ended.

So I wish for life to end.
Nothing more here to gain.
Good bye, my family and friends:
I can no longer endure this pain.

Time's up?

I don't think I'll make 43.

I am ready

I have little hope of securing employment.

Today, SSA sent a letter informing me that my benefits would not be paid because "you are not lawfully present in the United States." Huh?

I called SSA. They reviewed my information and could not determine why this decision was made, saying there was nothing in my file explaining it. The letter was dated 2/15, but the SSA Agent said it was written and sent 2/10.

That was right after I had updated my direct deposit information with the new account. A new account was opened because I had fraud on the prior account in both Dec and January.

This is really creating a tremendous hardship for me, because I have 4 payday loans. The amounts due vary: 555.00, 120.00, 83.00, 45.00. 3 of those are scheduled for 3/2, the 4th for 3/3.

I have 90.00 in the account, another 60-70 in cash on me. An empty gas tank.

The rep said the best case scenario would be getting paid 3/6 if they reverse themselves as a clerical error. That means something will have to give. I can get around the $555, but I will not be able to continue that loan, which I need to do until I return to my parent's home.

I am ready for it all to be over. It was as good as it was ever going to be back in 2003-2004. It has been all dwn hill from there. And there is little hope of it improving. I am thankful to those who have made this time nice. but I am moving (I hope) towards an ending.

January is a faded memory

Got away from any blogging in January. I am back in Jax (temporarily). I was just coming for the remicade tx, but I am going to stay whilst Lisa goes to work for 6 weeks, mainly to provide child care in the gap. My next tx is 3/28 and then possibly May 23.

The 2012 Jax 48Film Project is slated for June 15-17, Mak school ends June 6 and starts Aug 20.

So maybe an 8 week visit to TX? June 18- Aug 18??

I would need to be back for a treatment in there, unless I push the May 23 treatment a few weeks...

financials moved from New 2012

Financially speaking_ Jan 2 balance, 252.22

On a positive note, I finished the month with $65.91 in the bank. The negative is I took $900 in payday loans to give gifts/pay for travel/live beyond my means this month. This is in addition to the $555 loan I carry each month. THe loans had an interest rate of $30 per 100 (much higher than the $11 I'm used to). I think that one will be paid this month (the 300, so 390) and the others will be interest only.

The SSDI payment went up to $1,678.00. This is because of a COLA and the fact that my Medicare went down.

However, I am now responsible for paying the Drug premium and the Drug costs are close to $1,000 a month (wiht the ins) for the first 4 months, a bit more for the next 3, then a whole lot less for the last 5. I have meds stored up, so I'm not sure how that is all going to play out, except paying the drug preium. I may find a cheaper Part D.

SO right now, I think I am at

65.91 + 1,678.00 - 555 - 390 -120 -60 = 618.91.

My debits are as follows: (Auto Insurance, Storage, Monthly Check Cashing Loan Fee, Court Costs, Part D Cov, WDW Perry's, WDW Me )

117.14 + 61.43 + 51.60 + 28.30 + 28.40 + 31.42 = 318.29

So my current actual balance is $252.22, on Jan 2.

This is the last WDW payment for the Perry's as they said they would be trying on another type of amusement this year, maybe something more attractive to the dad.

This upcoming month, I will have auto registration renewal and the disabled placard renewal.
This upcoming month, I am truing to do a 3 day trip to WDW; I want to try to stay in Jax and go to WDW on Feb 29... We'll see.

Vegan Kick Start, NEW BLOG

I have started a new blog, found at http://vautrinjr2012.blogspot.com/

For those of you that know me, you know that this type of undertaking is going to be nearlt impossible, if not a simply pathetic joke. In addition, I am going to stay (at least mainly) Gluten-free.

This includes on trips (like to Jax for meds) EXCEPT for a singe AYCE Chicken wings per visit.

I am scared, excited, but mostly resolved, here on Jan 3. We'll see.

I have been living with Psoriasis since 1992 (20 years) and Diabetes since 1997 (15 years) and crazy (diagnosis was depression, newer doc thinks I have been bipolar all along) since 1995 (17 years). Crohns diagnosed this year.

So many things wrong. Time to see if they can be righted.