Day 66. Giving up, giving in

This ride to the bottom is too hard. 

Dermatologist appt today. 

Schd Remicade is Dec 11. 

I'm hoping he can get them to take me this week, Maybe Wed, day 68?

Still hole in foot. Foot doc gave note indicating free of infection. 

Still have a wound vac attached. Still getting visited by nurse M-W-F. 

The pain is excruciating. The pain is unbearable. Yet is soldier on. 

Here is a shot of my back. 

Day 55-- for Lisa

The thing I could not teach you

I taught you all to well

As demonstrated in late February 

When you said, "Go to hell!"

I could not get you 

To part with clothes for babies

But you discarded my soul

In an awful hurry. 

I look back on that day

And the events which led

To us parting ways

Me almost left for dead. 

The source of the contention?

The seed of our discord?

Sprung from your resentment 

Of the forced discourse. 

Between me and him

You thought that it was right

But it was your only sin

And the source of every fight. 

What did you think we'd say?

Talk of Sports & politics?

Opposites in every way,

It was bound to turn to this. 

A man 3 times a cheat (at least)

Who holds you in contempt 

Of course would turn our speech

To the things he did resent 

The things I was there to help with

Quick became Our undoing

In conversation the sole topic

For a year almost- our ruining. 

I saw in you perfection

While he was pointing out flaws

Against better discretion 

For you I simply adored

I should have fought to stay with you

I simply did not know how

So I started figuring out what to do

Make plans for the there and now

I thought I'd wage the fight

From without, distraction free

My plan was short of sight

As you completely cut off from me. 

I thought that You I would see

Continue with assisting

That was not to be 

Contact with you non-existent

Now I'm back where you first saved me

In September 2010

Only now it's October 2013

And I'm without you, friend 

Same arc, same suffering

Not the same without your compassion

Now I'm wishing for an end rushing

But it's really just in the same fashion

Except without you, friend

Your kindness, and your touch

Making living through this new end

Something that frightens me (much)

Oct 15, 2007

It was about this time (2 am) I woke up, not that I was really sleeping. Danielle had pushed our dinner to very late Sun night. We shut the Olive Garden down. 

I awoke at this time every Monday morning that fall. I left home around 3 am, Tallahassee bound. I worked out of CPIC offices in Tallahassee from 6-12:30 before heading off to FSU. 

About 10:30, I received a call from a woman. "She's dead, Joey," she said in almost a half sob. "Danielle is dead." It was my sistet's mother-in-law. 

"What?" was all I could say in response. "I'm in Tallahassee, so it'll take me 3 hours to get back."

I called my professors, explaining the situation. In graduate school, you did not just 'skip' the once weekly class. 

I drove back. As I was pulling into the Jax area, I recd another call. "No need to come here," Danielle's husband on the other end. They've taken her away. 

6 years. 

No mother for Makynzi. 

No daughter for my Mother and Father. 

No sister for me, Mary, Patricia and Rebecca. 

It is still a sad day.  

My existence

Yesterday I was reminded

I went into the hospital 11/2010. 

I was under the loving care of my friend. I was totally inflamed with P. Like never before. 

I spent my time going from the bed in her guest room to the tub (4 ft). 

I went to emergency room because I had not gone to the bathroom in a week. This is what I was reminded of. I totally forgot. My mother reminded me. 

Everyone was so generous then. Lisa tried to provide me physical comfort. Even when in the hospital, she came everyday, lying in the bed with me for about an hour, telling her stories. 

But the doctors there did nothing for me. They 'suggested' that I was losing moisture through the skin and did not have a need to urinate. But wastes were building up. The treatment they put me on was saline IV. 

At the end of 5 days, with no treatment for P being provided, I told the hospital staff I wanted to be discharged. 

I had a pending flight to Texas. I figured I should let what ever was going to happen in Texas where my parents were. 

But when I went to Texas, my cousin (rheumatologist Jack Cush, MD) provided me medical care including weekly shots of Humira. He got me in with a dermatologist who provided me 3 weeks of cyclosporine. Additionally, my cousin wrote prescriptions for methotrexate and prednisone. 

I should not have accepted the treatment. I didn't know. I am now in te same predicament in Oct2013 that I was in Sept2010. Only this time I'm working on my second September lower left leg infection in two years. 

Last year, I went to hospital with swollen ankle and had surgery. This year, I had a hole in the bottom of my foot. I went to the same podiatrist instead of going to the hospital. It's 7 weeks later, I've had 8 different prescriptions, 6 for 5 different pills, a liquid wound preparation, and a wound covering that has active ingredients included silver and algae. 

Now, I have been fitted with a wound vac. Called Negative Pressure Wound therapy, it is a pump the provides constant indirect suction on the wound. 

All of this is so crazy. I've sold nothing for Mark or Brooks. I've never hot back to painting. This foot problem actually began July 23. 

I don't know. I miss my life. 

The isolation is almost complete (Day 45)

I saw Gravity this weekend. In IMAX 3D.  It took in $56 million. It was visually unbelievable. 

I am disappearing or maybe disappeared from Danielle's daughter, Makynzi's life. 

I only bother her & her dad about every other week at this point. She still does not do anything with me since I left Lisa. 

This week's text and response to Mak (her dad, NO REPLY). 

After the mabe (sic), no further response. 

I put my Mom & sisters that I will not be trying to get Mak as I have every anniversary of DeeVee's death (Oct15). 

That's why I titled this "The isolation is complete." Lisa told me that I would be abandoned & alone. She wasn't wrong. Even my niece. For whom I was a foster parent for just over 7 months. Who I spent years taking places, esp. Disney World. But everywhere else. At 10 1/2, she has outgrown it. 

Isolated. Just waiting for this curse to be complete. 

I never thought when I agreed to leave that Lisa would completely abandon me. I never thought that Dave would turn on me. While I am greatful for Mark, Brooks, they have little outside time to spend with me, or me with them. Case in point: this year, I was not even called on to do something with Brooks family for Linda's bday. 

I am cometely alone. Kathryn called in me today to help her with algebra 2 homework. I did so virtually using text, email and FaceTume. Absolute Value equations and graphing. 

I get to see Tara's boy a few times a week. I miss you, Tara. 2 years. 

I don't see your girl, Danielle. I miss you, Danielle. 6 years. 

Soon, I will be a memory. Looks like not a very good one. Oh, well. I gave everything. I am reaching a point if peace as I've started to let go of people. I always cared much more about people than things. I am almost rid competely of both. 

Just in the 7th week since the beginning of the end. More resolved then when I started about this choice. Soon, I'll be free.