October's here

How can a month fil one with raging fury and deathly fear? 

Here we are again, October. It was in Oct1992 I was first afflicted with PsA. 

It was in Oct2010 I first was completely covered (95+%) with erythrodermic Psoriasis. 

It was the last 2 Sept (2012, 2013) I got infection in my lower left leg/foot. This year (so far) I've stayed out of hospital. 

Financially, not much change 2010-2013. End of month, balances in accounts are mere cents. 

That's $0.36. 

One thing I have been very good about avoiding has been overdraft fees. 

It seems like I can hope for reg work with GoWaiter CoSpr and with Stephens Advertising. Combined possibly in excess of $200.00/week. That would allow me to start paying back for the transmission repairs. 

Agenda for month

Finish painting rooms, bathrooms, great room. Not likely to get kitchen. 

Reseat toilet in hallway bath. 

Get grass in back cut down with weed wacker. 

Do something about bushes on south side of house behind fence. 

Sunday eves- Drive Brooks 3:00-8:30

Mon middays- GoWaiter 12:30-6:30

Tues late afternoon- Andrew 3:15-6:15

Wed mid afternoon- Drive Andrew 3:15-3:45

Thurs middays- GoWaiter 12:30-6:30;

Andrew 3:15-6:15

Fri eves- Drive Brooks 3:00-8:30

Sat-- off

Expectations (??)

GoWaiter (atypical)

Stephens (atypical)

Costs

Ongoing costs of foot injury ??

Check and Go payday loan $555.00

Transmission $2,400 bal

Debt to parents $1,900 bal

Cremation costs (Neptune Society) $1.400

Curse you, October

October is coming 

The dreaded month 

For the second year in a row, I have a an infection in my lower left leg in the month September 

last year, it was in my ankle; this year it's in the sole of my foot

I have achieved complete isolation. 

I continue to contemplate my missteps. 

In the end, all my giving left me with nothing. 

So I take my final descent, knowing I gave everything. A peaceful passage is all I seek. 

So much physical pain. It is really strange how much more bearable this pain was in 2010. I had that false, dreadful condition-- Hope. But that hope certainly alleviated some of this pain. 

Dignity. It is something we as a species strive towards. 

I am without dignity as I await my fate. 

October. Most hated of months. I wish I didn't have to see you again. But here you are. Hopefully the last time I cross your page. I have battled you for 21 years now, Black Month. 

Your torture of me has gone on long enough. Oh, if I knew then what I know now. I used to love you, October. My favorite holiday became the accursed day. Oh, Halloween. No longer fit to enjoy you.

My favorite month now the most dreaded. Baseball glory. The playoffs + World Series. But you are overshadowed by this dreadful anniversary. If only I had been allowed to slip silently in 2010. 

Now, isolated, I suffer this indignity alone. The mess. The ripping. The blood. The pain. Nothing left. Except to wait. Alone. 

Day 38

Day 37 was a very good day. Certainly the best in the last 30. I started part time temporary work at a company called GoWaiter Colorado Springs in CoSpr, Co. 

My sister Patricia & her husband own the company. My sister Rebecca pretty much runs the company. From Allen, Texas. 

I actually got to work Monday & Wednesday. Wed was a split shift, some lunch and some dinner hours. Rebecca thinks she is going to limit me to helping out on Monday & Thursday lunch shifts. 

She gave me $150 for helping out. 

Tues, day 38. Foot doc visit. Pharmacy visit. Nightmare. More antibiotics. Pricing just at the edge of out of reach. Doc said next visit, grafts. That's not until 10/8. 

King Henry IV

Also late Sat nt/early Sun morn, I watched Shakespeare's Richard II. although historical fiction, after reading some history about it, a lot of it was true. 

More intruiging to me was the fact that King Henry IV died at 46 due to complications due to Psoriasis. Of course, psoriasis wasn't a named disease in the 14th century. Still, I'm hoping it finally is my ending. 

I've never felt so alone. Patti texts me that Mak was trying to get Patti to bring her down to New Port Richey this weekend. Fuck that. I'm so sad. 

It's JP's bday. I've heard nothing about his party. Sad. 

Begin of week 6.

It's been 5 weeks since the begin of the end. 

Weird weekend. 

Fri-Sat nights, tried to "act" like dying man and recite lines for Brooks latest short film, Be Squared Production's The Case of J. Valdemar, produced for Norman Studios (Jacksonville) competition featuring films based on the works of Edgar Allen Poe. Also Starring Brooks co-worker, Steve Ritchie (sp?). 

Sunday, I received FaceTime from Mary in the morning. She was on just over 2 hours. Her son injured his heel and is having surgery Mon Morn. His heel bone ruptured in 2. 

For over 20 min, Mary asked questions about my relationship with Lisa (Perry). She asked a number of times about the physical part of the relationship, saying this girl must have loved me to interact with me on that level given my damages. I told Mary I didn't think that was the case. I told her Lisa might have been fond of me, combined with the loneliness she had experienced due to her husband's ongoing infidelity with numerous partners over the years. She disagreed. Finally, I told her I had to go. 

Before & After driving Brooks, which was much longer, I helped Katie Rondeau with Algebra II. She had to correct a test on Absolute Value equations & inequalities. 

Then I went to Mandarin Ale House. I had Mahi Mahi Piccata and a salad. 

Finally, around 12:30, after the steelers lost game 3 of 3 this season, to da Bears, I went to Mandarin Walmart. One of a few still open 24 hours. 

A worker there tracked me down after seeing me earlier. He wanted to ask questions about Psoriasis. His name was John. He has it on his elbows, knees, sometimes the folds of his chest. I told him to go to a doc & ask for Clobetasol Ointment. 

That is the first time (almost 21 years) I have been approached by another Psoriasis sufferer. I had on a long sleeved shirt, but my legs & head (obviously) were exposed. Hmpf. I hope he gets med. it will probably clear him. 

Monday, Patti (really Rebecca) starts trying me out with GoWaiter. We'll see how that goes.  

Jags lost (game 3 of 3) in blow out to Seattle. Yanks lost game 3 to SF after winning 1st 2. 3 is their elimination #, with 3 teams ahead of them. They'd have to jump 2. Like 6 games left. Not likely. 

Get up as Josef Valdemar

I am in agony

b/c of my sadness over the plight of the Syrian people. 

This drought. 

Love those Allen Boys

Just went to wing it with Matthew & Andrew Allen. Got to listen to them talk about now & the future. 

The Syrian issue has really been on my mind. How does a group like Al Queda and Al Nuria take hold? It seems like when the people have no hope. 

Since 2009, Syria has been suffering a severe drought. The response of the world- apathy. It is really very sad. 

I hope that there is a bright America for these boys. 

A strange world

For two days, the national news channel has run coverage of nothing but the story of a shooting at the Navy Yards in Washington. A man, a contractor, entered the building and took up a position on the 4th floor and shoot down into a food court in the atrium. He killed 12 unarmed civil service workers. 

At the same time, a bicyclist set a speed record

Story is found @ http://bit.ly/18wVn0X 

At the same time, I watched, on Russian TV, online, the 19 hour 'righting' of a Carnival owned cruise ship called the Costa Concordia. In 2012, the ship was run aground in Italy during a pr stunt. 32 killed, 2 missing. It is estimated to have cost 800 million to right this ship. 

Original position 

Partially righted

Standing upright on a platform

This is what the Psoriasis my right arm looks like today

This is what the ulcer on the bottom of my left foot looks like

Messed up world- Navy Yard Shootings

A contractor killed 12 people today with a high powered rifle before being killed by authorities. Let here were other casualties. It is so sad. 

In uplifting (?) news, the Pope is calling people who write to him about their problems. 

Today was the 3rd visit by the ANNA nurse, Yuri. He says some black has appeared outside the wound that he is concerned about. I took a pic during the dressing change tonight. 

My mother says my sister was hospitalized today after falling in the bathroom during a chemo treatment. I have not been able to get her (Mary) on the phone or by text the last few weeks. Just like my sister Rebecca. Weird. 

I rescheduled my Remicade appt for 6 weeks (Oct 30). Reason: infection. 

Skin flaking (?) progressing much faster this year then in 2010. 

I am so alone. It is so perplexing because I have been alone and never this lonely. Weird. 

Day 28

I texted everyone left this week. Mary, Rebecca, Trista, Rose, Ann. I received a response from none of them. 

The isolation is now complete. All that is left is Mark (I live in one of his houses) and Brooks (I still drive him Fri & Sun). My Mom & Dad. Maybe Patti-and by association still Rebecca, if I help with GoWaiter. 

Even Brooks- it was his wife's bday on the 4th. Not a word to me, I'm sure this is the first time I'm in town & did not participate. Wow. 

I'm really surprised. Even Cari stopped playing that words game with me. 

It was predicted by the dark one. Maybe this is the magic she has- black magic. Either way, it is surprising & it sucks. 

Nearing end of 4th week. Day 26.

Brooks came over tonight. He brought some Little Caesar's Pizzas. 

He wants to shoot a short based in an Edgar Allen Poe story- the facts in the case of m. Valdemar. It is a two person story- a dying man and a mesmerist (precursor to hypnotist). He ha started decorating his set 

Crown molding

Chair railing

Old armoire 

Window with curtains

Crazy. Here's what my arm looks like today:

Was it all just made up

When she was busy rescuing me in 2010, she told me her magic would not only heal me, but would sustain me. 

My cousin then saved me. 

A generous medical professional then took compassion on me. 

I was clear for 18 mos. 15 mos of that time was with her. Then, no veh, no where to go, she told me to leave. I had been sucking her tit (off and on) for 30 mos. I spent about 9 of those 30 mos away from her with my family. 

Where was the magic? Her husband began carrying on an extended affair-- with a woman in her mid50s whom he knew in high school. But that woman was looking for husband #3. HE could not be husband #3. He told the woman he was afraid to leave his kids alone with his wife. Did he love his wife?, this woman asked. He said there was not even an ember smoldering that could be sparked. That love was long gone. 

She had no magic. Or if she did, she decided, despite my absolute devotion, that I was unworthy. Either way, no magic. Fat globes are not magic, no matter how spectacular they are, esp. for a 44 yr old. 

I am sad. I really thought she was going to save me after that spectacular rescue. She was not. 

I am reflecting in this manner because my parents having left, I am again alone.  No one to ask, how are you? No one to give a shit. 

PASI -- 16% today. Involvement on each limb, appendage, front and back of torso & even genitalia. No palmoplantar involvement. 

National suicide (prevention) day

Look. I am in pain. Too much pain. Physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. 

I need an ending. I'm going to suffer through to one (hopefully) when the Psoriasis completely takes over. 

There's a lot of suffering that is involved in that. 

Where is the dignity?

My cousin is staying in a facility that costs $5,500/month. He has no physical ailments. Only mental & drug damage (not abuse- taken as prescribed). I wish I could see my cousin before the end. I wish I could have visited disney before the end. August was really my last chance for either of those.  It didn't happen. 

Abandoned. That's what happened to me. I should have been allowed to go in 2010. Now I have to go through this suffering all over again. Shit. 

To foot doc 9/5

 I made foot doc appt. I said no meds/docs. That commenced in mid-late July. 

This injury occurred after that, while I worked collecting garbage. During the 1st six collection days, I had two right foot sneakers fall apart, but got this injury on left foot. 

Work an (uncompensated) 7th day with this injury. 

I have struggled with this foot injury for just over one month. 

I had to pay $185 to this doc office today just to see him tomorrow. 

End of day 17

Today was a half bad half worse kind of day. 

I only was able to mow 3/4 of Mark's Moon Harbor lawn. 

Andrew came over, did some homework and some fishing. Nothing caught. 

Went to Olive Garden for never ending with Dave Rondeau. 50+ days apart. He was congenial. He asked me about Lisa & a lake in NC. Told him I don't know. I hadn't thought of her for quite a while. 

Later, I emailed her info about what's going on in St John's County Elem. Schools about writing and Lang Arts (TIDE). 

Foot- really unable to walk at all. 

Bought some bacon. Tomorrow's gonna be a better day. 

19 years. You like Wings?

Well I recd a text today from David Adam inviting me to never ending. 

I haven't heard from him since July 10. He did text a dinner invite both days of the Savannah 48 Hour weekend, and also texted thanks the day I moved Rose cross county from WRES to WHES. 

Things are progressing on the skin front. I 

Made foot doc appt. owe him $182. Luckily SSA started paying again today. 

Unlucky they shifted lump sum to outstanding default. 

I can barely walk 

Oddities of my time, Diana Nyad

Today, a 64 yr old lady completed a 110 mile swim from Havana, Cuba to Key West. This was not her first attempt. She tried when she was 29 in 1978 and few times in the last 3 years. 

She is the first person known to have done it without a 'shark tank.' She tried to speak afterward- her tongue was swollen from jellyfish bites. 

One thing she said was never give up on your dreams. Of course, this should be prefaced by "if you have money or supporters with money," as the costs to undertake this feat must have been huge. 

The photos of her swimming show her surrounded by 3 canoes or kayaks. It took 53 hours. She had 5 support boats and a total crew of 35. Like I said, $$$. 

I went out today for a BLT. It was $11. That's crazy. It was loaded with bacon. Came with salad & B & W cookie plus drink. After 1/2 I was full. Brought 1/2 home plus all if salad and 1/2 of cookie. 

Here's what I look like today:

Here's what foot looks like today:

It's Labor Day. I haven't had a full time job in over 3 years. #lettinggo