second hospitalization in 15 days 11/25-26

Well, I was only in hosp 28 hours. 

Arrived Tues @ 7:10am, discharged Wed, 11/26 @ 11am. 

Did not get out of Recovery until 4pm.

Was on O2 by nose until 5am.  Then was helped out of bed and made lap around hall, on knee walker, with nurse in toe.

Doc showed at 7:30am. Dietary delivered brkfst, ice pop, jello, chicken broth, two 32oz powerade zero. 

Doc said repairs successful. Only (irregularly) was that my stomach (organ) was very thick. Thickest she had ever worked with. 

Nutritionist showed while doc still there. Not much to add. Drink as much fluid as possible. Any issues, both said to call.

Wow. 

First BM Sat, very hard nuggets. Followed by looser movement this morn (Sun). 

No Pain. 

B/S avg around 200. Taking crushed up Metformin (since Thurs). Ate each day crushed up in jello pudding. 

Still very weak. Still enduring. 

She (Doc) did not use mesh in hernia (umbilical) repair. 

I spend a lot of time thinking about the two TV and two laptops being stolen. And that they came back for the truck with the spare key. It makes me sad that they would steal from someone with nothing.

I probablly will not even replace TVs. living without a laptop is a little harder. These iDevices are OK for a lot of things. But not for everything.

I saw a PIC of Mak today. It has now been over a year since I brought her back from Patti's on a bus.

Weird. I was working 2 jobs, one 50 hr and one 25 hour, plus going to Grad school at FSU (3 hour drive) for 9 credits- that's full time in Grad school- and stil had time for that kid EVERY WEEK,

I hope she's happy. Life without a Mommy. I still miss Danielle. Everyday.

Rigth now is a period of separation from my Mommy. I don't like it, but I will learn to live with it. We always hae to adjust. I'm sure this will be the hardest one. Dani was tough. Tara was tough. Dave was tough. Lisa was the toughest. Mak was tough. Rose was tough. Trista was tough. Now my Mom.

I used to be the one who left. Ever since I losst my manhood in that 2005 accident, others are making that choice, not me. Weird. My Dad is still there. Brooks is still there. Mark is still there. To some extent, Patti and Rebecca are still there. Mary has her own issues. But mostly I am now isolated. Unable to do forr others, they have cut ties. Hmmm. Utility. It is important.

Another Hospitalization (11-6 through 11-10

Here I lie in bed. It is 1am. Another emergency non-emergency hospitalization. 

Isolated. Here and in life. 

My niece did stop by with my medical device on her way out of town. She was gracious enough to go to Walmart and pick me up a pkg of underpants and undershirts. Plus H2O. 

Timeline of recent events (recap):

10-18: leave for KIS with visiting parents. House is robbed. Losses consist of two TV (32"), two W7 based laptops (one belongs to the boy) and truck/AB POBox key combo. 

11-2: burglars use keys to drive truck 1/4 way down driveway. Truck is secure. Thanks, 1990s. 

11-4: saw foot doc. Something off w/wound, possible development. No graft application. Had graft prev two weeks. 

11-5: got sign off from cardio, primary for 11-25 surgery. Took w/Gastroenterologist letter to,surgeon office. 

11-6: Went to wound clinic for nurse visit. Entire side of foot blown out. They call doc, he arrives 90 min later and sends me to hospital. 

11-7: Foot surgery. Doc removes small bone in foot. Bound to a knee walker. Foot is 100% non-weight baring. Have three holes: original, infection, & surgical entry point. Whole thing is big mess. 

11-10: discharged with antibiotics, pain med & home nursing. No pain med since surgery, not sure why they gave me meds. Here are three views of wound, 11/11 (post-discharge)

Yuck. 

We'll see. 

Fri: Drive BAB

Sat: visit the boy in Tpa lockup, go to 'Ice' @ Gaylord Palms

Sun: Drive BAB

Mon: Primary Followup

Tues: Podiatric Followup

Wed: Pre-op check-in

11/25: Surgery!!!

Cosi Fan Tutte on TV

I am currently watching this Opera on PBS. I have always enjoyed this Opera, about the fickleness of women. And the stupidity of men. 

I mean, who would make a bet to see if their woman will be unfaithful?

In this story, the twin sisters go for the opposite of their betrothed, who have gone off with the army. But the two return, disguised, and each woos the opposite sister. The bet is to determine who will be unfaithful. In the end, both sisters are, and agree to marry the disguised men. 

I think I love this particular Opera because it is one of the few opera's I have seen live, here in Jacksonville. 

Still, pretty stupid. 

Life is funny.

I am watching Good Morning Jacksonville. Tim Deegan is doing the weather. He had been the long time weather anchor here in Jacksonville. 

But a night of (over-) indulging and an aggressive Jax Bch police officer landed him in jail, charged with DUI. Now he has been relegated, after a long hiatus, to floating duty. 

It really stinks. 

Gone, but not forgotten.

I awoke from a dream about you. We were talking. As I was waking, my arm & hand were moving in a slow, swiping motion. I think about you a lot less during my waking hours. But I am sleeping a lot now. The only benefit of the down side of my two-face affliction. And you are almost always there. Things are always good. Again, thank you for everything. 

5 Mos, 6 days. Now he is gone…

The boy was sentenced a week ago Thurs. He remained in my home through this eve, under House Arrest. 

But Now He is Gone. 

May his Mother rest in peace. 

3 more days

Time has come for this Boy to leave my care. 

His plea agreement has led to a sentence. His sentence to a punishment. 

So he will be sent to participate in a program. 

There is Nothing good about this situation. Nothing. Well, maybe a final resolution on this situation. But maybe not. 

He'll be going away. My heart breaks. For him. 

5 mos and 6 days. That was the time he was sentenced to be with me, for now. 

A New Frontier

Today, I sent a prescription written in the emergency room to an online pharmacy group in Canada. 

It is going to take 14-28 days to receive the medicine. 

The cost of the mediation was less than 20% of the best cost here btw CVS, Publix, Walgreens & Walmart. 

Medicine by mail from Canada. Crazy. 

Remicade Day

Every 8 weeks, I get this tx. It is administered at the Boreland Groover Clinic as treatment for Crohn's Disease. 

It also treats PsA and the P. 

1 miss and within 4 weeks (12 weeks since the prev tx) I start losing my skin. Not as in P. It is called Erythrodermic Psoriasis (PsE). 

I am happy to be here. The long range outlook for continuation of treatment is bad. This year I took an HMO (Humana) to limit my OOP. As of this treatment I have no co-pay. That's good, since the bill for 8 weeks ago was $2,018. The current balance I am carrying is $10,700. 

They have informed me that come January, this model is not going to work. They are no longer willing to accept payment in the $100s while the balance is increasing by $1,000s. 

Then there is the foot. 

Osteomyelitis. At least at the 5th metatarsal. It is expected that this will be chronic (diabetes). Just another Chronic illness. 

But today, at least right now, I am happy. 

I'm scared

Nothing really scares me. Not pain, not loss. My life has been to embued with both for either to impact me too greatly. 

Excitement turns to boredom. 

Pain is a major part of the Human Condition. 

At the end of last July, I worked with a guy doing garbage collection in an upscale apartment complex south-east of town. 

10 units, 2 sets of staircases per unit. 20 times, up an down. I was to help him a fortnight, 4 times each week. 

After the 6th time, I took off my shoes the night of the Savannah 48Hour Film Project. There was a quarter-sized blood stain on my sock. 

I tried treating it with Neosporin & bandaids for a few weeks. Finally I called a podiatrist. He initially gave me a 4-6 week time table, which would be concluded with a skin graft. 

By December, he was telling me about a research study he had starting early the following year. I was enrolled and went through 18 of the 26 weeks of the study. At that 3 to last visit (2 remain, a month apart each), he gave me an order for x-rays. They revealed infection damage to my 5th metatarsal, at the very least. 

Infection in the bone. I am scared. 

Working toward Happiness: found at bottom of glass

Complete Isolation, Total Desolation.

Another weekend, another Kid, another Trip to WDW

Now WDW allows for the planning if FastPasses from this Apple device, up to 30 days in advance. 

I have booked FP+ for my party of four to Disney Studios: Rock & Roller Coaster, Tower of Terror & Lights, Cameras, Action! Stunt Spectacular. 

Weird. I'm older. Fatter. More inferm. Poorer. More disturbed. And yet,

Things still remain the same. Weird. 

Ward Day 93

One week until the boy will have been with me 100 days. 

I wonder what kind of long term impact I will have on this Kid. 

He has gone for a home visit. This got him out of te van ride. He will return after football practice tomorrow. 

His brother has a playoff game this week. With the limit on my hours at GW as they taper me down to -0-, I limited my availabilty on Wed to 6pm for that game. 

The Kid's Dad will be out of town (Las Vegas) and unable to take him. 

I paid off my last medical bill on Sat (except Remicade, which will have a balance excess of 10K after the billing for the last tx posts). So the loss of GW will mostly hit me in areas such as my newly installed cable. 

Mentally, I am down, but this time it is different. Resolution to my station in life. It is allowing for more sleep (good), but less production (bad). 

Solid depression is very different from Mania, Bipolar and the ultra-rapid cycling. Of course, there is more stability. No 'moodiness.' But in a constant state of down. It stinks. 

I find no joy in eating. Whether quality or quantity. 

Even Pepsi no longer makes me Happy. 

I'm drinking a Yuengling right now. Nothing. 

Childless for a night

My Ward is on a home visit. He will return this AM. 

I slept some last night (12:30-3:30). 

Today I will take my Ward & Melanie Rondeau to the beach. 

Kathryn is too ill to join us. He'll fish; maybe she'll surf. It's going to be cold down there this morn: 61 @ 9am. 

I'll be reading Sociology research to try to help my niece with a research methods project for UNF. 

Joel is at his duty station. 

Kathleen has made it to Air Force basic. 

After a year without it, I have cable. 

The new normal

Me & the Kid. Out and about. 

1st sem, 4.11 GPA. 

Since then, the trouble, then a slide. 

4thQ has started. Last chance to make good. 

I'm eating at the Waffle House. Just so the Kid can see his brother. 

No alcohol. Before 1am. What am I doing here? Oh yeah, the Kid. 

I had a BLT. Not the worst thing I ever ate.  The server is both attentive and friendly. 

I'm trying to convince the brother to spend time with the Kid tomorrow. He's busy. Has his own obligations. Maybe. 

Otherwise, another evening in the van for the Kid. Not the best thing for him. 

Chelsea tonight (1st time in over 1 year)

How weird has my life been. 

I finally decided to enter the real world. 

I will watch Chelsea Handler tonight. First time in more then a year. I miss watching Chelsea much more then I miss sex, but quite a bit less then I miss (her) touch. 

Food is no longer brining me enjoyment. 

I have to send box that gives me baseball back to seller tomorrow. It simply doesn't work. 

No sex-no touch-no food-no baseball. At least I'll have Chelsea. 

Sleep

I've been sleeping more and more over the past three weeks. 

I had 3 days of 5 hours of sleep 2 weeks ago. 

In Texas last week, I had 5 days where I slept 5-7 hours. 

This week, I slept 6, 7, & 10 1/4 hours on consecutive days!!

Also, my right eye has been leaking fluid every time the back of my head is on the pillow (crying?). It's weird, because I have not cried in a very long time. And if it is crying, it is not about anything physical (pain) or emotional. 

But it is constant. Every time

. 

Contentment in Middle age

It seems like in our society there is such an emphasis on happiness. Love will make is happy. Things will make is happy.

But these are probably myths. So much of how we respond to external stimuli is based on genetic programming and conditioning. Nature & Nurture. 

I never realized love until it found me. It was not something I was looking for at the time. And now I live without it. Not by choice, but because it is outside my reach. I mean to say that before that, I had 3 serious relationships. 2 that nearly led to marriage. But I never felt about those women even one iota of what I feel for this last girl. Yes, still feel. It's a crazy thing.  

I have had 'things.' Some did make me happy.  But that was less permanent then the feeling of Love. 

I consider myself lucky to be alive. And I have a very decent life. I consider my self lucky to have felt love from this woman, even while realizing that she was not for me. Not in any type of permanent way, anyway. And here I am 1 year removed and I recently have been having crazy dreams involving her. Digging holes. Carrying buckets of water and filling those holes. Weird shit. 

I have had a kid living with me for just over 5 weeks now in a foster situation. This kid now occupies a great deal of my time and thoughts. This weekend I will be taking him to Walt Disney World for the first time. He is being added to a long like of kids that I have given the joy of Disney to. 3 Nieces. 4 kids of friends. 2 kids belonging to the woman above. None my own. 

Approaching Middle Age next week (45), I am content. I have lived a good life. 

Presidents' Day Anniversary (of the end)

It's been a year. A year without your touch. A year without your entertaining stories and ideas. 

It was hard at first. I always told you, from fhe beginning, that there was no way it could last. It was simply "too nuts."

It was to far outside the norm. Plus I simply had too many things wrong. 

But there were times that it was so good. Bordering in Perfect. Too good to be able to hold on to. Except in my memories. 

So much was given to me during that time. I recall a statement, is is better to have loved and lost or to have never loved at all? It was better to have loved. It was the most wonderful of feelings. I think of the things I thought then and amazing things happen inside me. In my head, but also throughout my entire body. 

There is only one thing I can say:

THANK YOU. You are an amazing woman. Perfect in every way. The time I spent with you was the most fulfilling, most enriching, most satisfying time of my life. I have loved. It was you. And always will be you.