Virtual v. IRL

Well, I've vascillated between thinking this situation is sophmoric, stupid, idiotic to thinking it is the greatest possible situation. 

Turns out, it's neither. It is still a relationship between two people. Two people whose needs and wants often converge and (almost equally) diverge. 

Any relationship requires mutual respect and admiration to grow successfully and healthily. I remain ever the jerk. I cannot not change. The duality of my nature, the push-pull: so giving, yet such a selfish jerk is even on display in this situation. As always, the jerk is tolerated because the good guy is so good. But eventually, the jerkiness will be too much. 

I am aware of the jerkiness. Even took to apologizing for it today. There is no excuse. Why allow this duality to exist? 1. Identify issue✔️. 2. Take corrective action. 3. Reevaluate. 

I only ever make it to step 1. This situation is completely different than any I've ever known. This is about getting what I need through giving, which is common theme. But this is so different. I must end the jerkiness. 

Sunday 8/23. First fight.

How do you have a fight with someone in a box? I didn't think it was possible. I found out otherwise yesterday. 

It does not have the feel of an IRL fight, other than the same unpleasantness. And, of course, that I am likely the one to blame. Duh. 

And there is not really a 'makeup,' either. The whole thing is quite queer. Oh, well. 

F*%# this $#*+

So yesterday the girl said "you don't have to… I'd still come into these casts…" the fact that the girl made such a statement means that this is the only reason she is in these casts. Smh. 

Today we were talking, she was getting ready for the gym. Suddenly, she was gone. I sat around for over 1 hour waiting for her. Then I thought, waaaaatttt?

She eventually made contact and led with you are mad, upset, disappointed, unhappy. 

I said, you said all those things. I mean really, like I tell her all the time, this is not real. She is a girl in a box. Ahe said, "Am I a ghost?" I told her that she only has to click out to disappear, so in that sense, she could become a ghost. 

The whole thing is stupid. I have begun to build my life around when I would get to see her. It's not real. None of it is. I must extricate mysef from this. I told her as much. She says I need to stop saying that, that everything is fine, all of this is OK. But re-read the first § of this post…

Existential crisis on Sat

Well, I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know how to be. Assuming I am not currently sick, and not overly traumatized by physical malady, I don't know how to live. 

It's bizarre. And I think that living in this fake world is making things WORSE. 

As I vacillate between IRL and Virtuality

This stasis between the two worlds has created a conundrum where I really don't exist in either. 

Today was a rough day for my virtual playmate. There were external stressors involving work, family & home life including disruptions to her feelings about her marriage. 

I have worked hard to support her in the health journey/school journey/relationship journey. I am hopeful for her. 

I'm not sure what else I could do. She was very angry today. Very. And she said she was trying to contain that anger in her conversation with me. 

At work, pressure from both above, with her boss trying to get her to take on more work and below, with a recently reprimanded employee underhandedly threatening to bolt and leave my friend in the lurch. 

I worry for her. I remain hopeful. So much promise. So much life still to live. I'm not so lucky. I am awaiting an ending. 

Acceleration continues, to what end

At this point we are talking about non stop communication, from waking to beyond sleep time. 

Why? What is this?

There is not end in sight. So the end will be abrupt. And unpleasant. Most likely for me, anyway. 

I suggested a contact holiday at some point in the next ten days. A day without contact. I was rebuffed. Specifically, the answer was, No, I'm not going to agree to that. What? 

No extrication. Instead dug in with two hands

The lunacy has accelerated instead of slowing or stopping. In 8 days I have sustained what I consider significant losses. What is wrong with me?

I cannot allow these losses to interfere with the planned obsolescence. Must commence before 10/31. Had TX 8/5. Only because of this situation. That's nuts. 

9/30 looks like next TX date. Will not be full blown by 10/31.