How to end it. I don't know how anymore

I need relief. I need to be excised of my situation. Now. 

Current mood. Is is persistent. I'm just tired.

Still surviving

Full moon. Back in Plano. Trying to make it through for another go 'round. 

Back in the abyss

Here I am back in this hole. But I am completely without. No family. No friends. No companions. Nothing. 

It is bizarre. I am trying to hold on to the center. But there is nothing left. 

No poetry. Just misery. 

So little left to give

I give. She takes. There is little room for anything else. 

Why haven't I just walked away? 

Giving up

I should have been gone in 2005.  That was a action I took against myself. But she had medical POA over me and Danielle did not let me go.

In 2010 I could have gone, somewhat naturally. Lisa did not let me go and worked her magic to give me a reason not to go. I fought hard and made it most of the way back. 

In 2015 I tried to create a reason to stay. But everything is different. I am completely isolated from family, mostly abandoned by friends. No longer allowed to contribute to society. I do not see a successful resolution here. I have called upon this kid 2xs and both times she did not deliver. The thing is I Tried to create a situation where she would care about me. But she does not. And that is the reality. So now I just have to deal or lose. There is nothing left to hang onto. 

June-Jan same as May-Dec?

We didn't make 7 mos yet. I'm not sure we can. 

I'm worn out. I've lost (again). I miss the days of the girl with the unruly mane and her poop loops. 

It was the fact that she took me on that I exist today. Waiting for another episode. This young girl came a long. I thought her youth would be enough. It wasn't. It may have even been the reason for the negative issues. 

Selfishness. I've experienced it before right here in this house. 

So no motivation. No action. Only the lack of will to trudge on. But trudge on I must. 

Some parts of it were fun. Esp. early on. Until I said sex would not be a part. Patricia warned me about that, that excluding sex would be a problem. Whether she was right or wrong, I ended up wth he consequences she predicted. Oh, well. Look at my belly. Oh how it has grown again.