Time's up?

I don't think I'll make 43.

I am ready

I have little hope of securing employment.

Today, SSA sent a letter informing me that my benefits would not be paid because "you are not lawfully present in the United States." Huh?

I called SSA. They reviewed my information and could not determine why this decision was made, saying there was nothing in my file explaining it. The letter was dated 2/15, but the SSA Agent said it was written and sent 2/10.

That was right after I had updated my direct deposit information with the new account. A new account was opened because I had fraud on the prior account in both Dec and January.

This is really creating a tremendous hardship for me, because I have 4 payday loans. The amounts due vary: 555.00, 120.00, 83.00, 45.00. 3 of those are scheduled for 3/2, the 4th for 3/3.

I have 90.00 in the account, another 60-70 in cash on me. An empty gas tank.

The rep said the best case scenario would be getting paid 3/6 if they reverse themselves as a clerical error. That means something will have to give. I can get around the $555, but I will not be able to continue that loan, which I need to do until I return to my parent's home.

I am ready for it all to be over. It was as good as it was ever going to be back in 2003-2004. It has been all dwn hill from there. And there is little hope of it improving. I am thankful to those who have made this time nice. but I am moving (I hope) towards an ending.

January is a faded memory

Got away from any blogging in January. I am back in Jax (temporarily). I was just coming for the remicade tx, but I am going to stay whilst Lisa goes to work for 6 weeks, mainly to provide child care in the gap. My next tx is 3/28 and then possibly May 23.

The 2012 Jax 48Film Project is slated for June 15-17, Mak school ends June 6 and starts Aug 20.

So maybe an 8 week visit to TX? June 18- Aug 18??

I would need to be back for a treatment in there, unless I push the May 23 treatment a few weeks...

financials moved from New 2012

Financially speaking_ Jan 2 balance, 252.22

On a positive note, I finished the month with $65.91 in the bank. The negative is I took $900 in payday loans to give gifts/pay for travel/live beyond my means this month. This is in addition to the $555 loan I carry each month. THe loans had an interest rate of $30 per 100 (much higher than the $11 I'm used to). I think that one will be paid this month (the 300, so 390) and the others will be interest only.

The SSDI payment went up to $1,678.00. This is because of a COLA and the fact that my Medicare went down.

However, I am now responsible for paying the Drug premium and the Drug costs are close to $1,000 a month (wiht the ins) for the first 4 months, a bit more for the next 3, then a whole lot less for the last 5. I have meds stored up, so I'm not sure how that is all going to play out, except paying the drug preium. I may find a cheaper Part D.

SO right now, I think I am at

65.91 + 1,678.00 - 555 - 390 -120 -60 = 618.91.

My debits are as follows: (Auto Insurance, Storage, Monthly Check Cashing Loan Fee, Court Costs, Part D Cov, WDW Perry's, WDW Me )

117.14 + 61.43 + 51.60 + 28.30 + 28.40 + 31.42 = 318.29

So my current actual balance is $252.22, on Jan 2.

This is the last WDW payment for the Perry's as they said they would be trying on another type of amusement this year, maybe something more attractive to the dad.

This upcoming month, I will have auto registration renewal and the disabled placard renewal.
This upcoming month, I am truing to do a 3 day trip to WDW; I want to try to stay in Jax and go to WDW on Feb 29... We'll see.

Vegan Kick Start, NEW BLOG

I have started a new blog, found at http://vautrinjr2012.blogspot.com/

For those of you that know me, you know that this type of undertaking is going to be nearlt impossible, if not a simply pathetic joke. In addition, I am going to stay (at least mainly) Gluten-free.

This includes on trips (like to Jax for meds) EXCEPT for a singe AYCE Chicken wings per visit.

I am scared, excited, but mostly resolved, here on Jan 3. We'll see.

I have been living with Psoriasis since 1992 (20 years) and Diabetes since 1997 (15 years) and crazy (diagnosis was depression, newer doc thinks I have been bipolar all along) since 1995 (17 years). Crohns diagnosed this year.

So many things wrong. Time to see if they can be righted.

Solstice musings

I sit here, my eyes getting blurry,
My ears their ringing will not stop;
My breathing, though heavier, does not deliver
And at times I wish it would just stop.

My throat tighter still,
My toes and fingers numb;
No life in my flaccid member,
would to death I succumb

No predator a threat to me
Save my racing mind;
An answer to this burning question
I will never find

What purpose to save me,
A life without value, yet to find
What purpose to soldier on;
Why not stop my foolish mind.

Still here.

Yesterday would have been Tara's 42 birthday. That hurts.

There is no path back for me. I thought I was going to get a job this week. It was so close. But then it did not happen.

It was a very meager job, like $500-$600 a month. Some how I could not even manage that.

I am so tired. I long for that eternal rest. My life was stolen from me, and I do not know how to get back to any form of a life.

The best thing is probably to just go away from everything I know, everyone I know. Disappear.