Pain is my Bane, yet Earthbound I remain.

What is this throbbing behind my eyes?
Also the back of my head, should I cry?
It's as someone is driving a chisel into my brain.
Oh what is the source of this pain?
A pain unto death, hence the use of "bane."
But I'm afraid "bans's" meaning is lost on this age.
Once thought of as unto death, meaning "slain."
Now watered down, more of an annoyance.
Not unto death, but rather something that can not be avoided.
"Bane of my Existence" as we say.
With no implication that weight be slain.
Circular my lines have become.
More to say, yet this verse will remain undone.

Others find a way out, why can't I?

So much eats away at me
Like a constant wind, eroding my soul.
Peace is beyond reach.
Seemingly, Comfort is, too.

An ending.
Bang not required.
Whimper will be just fine.
Just let it be over. Soon.

I have given all.
It was never going to be enough.
Finish what was started. Work.
Settle up with those who provided life to me.
Then, an end?

Please pass by quickly...

March has begun.

Please let the end come quickly.

I can no longer endure this.

Make it through the job.

Money to parents.

That is what matters.

Then, the end.

If my reward is in Heaven, why do I persist in this realm?

Forty-three, will I see?
It is just a fortnight hence.
For in this life, only misery
Where is my recompense?

I have fulfilled needs
when for others needs arose
I have done many good deeds
when will I receive the payment owed?

For a laborer is worthy of his hire,
So the good book says.
Waiting for my funeral pyre,
For my reward will be delayed

Until Heaven I do reach
My reward is pending
For this the Bible also does teach
After life has ended.

So I wish for life to end.
Nothing more here to gain.
Good bye, my family and friends:
I can no longer endure this pain.

Time's up?

I don't think I'll make 43.

I am ready

I have little hope of securing employment.

Today, SSA sent a letter informing me that my benefits would not be paid because "you are not lawfully present in the United States." Huh?

I called SSA. They reviewed my information and could not determine why this decision was made, saying there was nothing in my file explaining it. The letter was dated 2/15, but the SSA Agent said it was written and sent 2/10.

That was right after I had updated my direct deposit information with the new account. A new account was opened because I had fraud on the prior account in both Dec and January.

This is really creating a tremendous hardship for me, because I have 4 payday loans. The amounts due vary: 555.00, 120.00, 83.00, 45.00. 3 of those are scheduled for 3/2, the 4th for 3/3.

I have 90.00 in the account, another 60-70 in cash on me. An empty gas tank.

The rep said the best case scenario would be getting paid 3/6 if they reverse themselves as a clerical error. That means something will have to give. I can get around the $555, but I will not be able to continue that loan, which I need to do until I return to my parent's home.

I am ready for it all to be over. It was as good as it was ever going to be back in 2003-2004. It has been all dwn hill from there. And there is little hope of it improving. I am thankful to those who have made this time nice. but I am moving (I hope) towards an ending.

January is a faded memory

Got away from any blogging in January. I am back in Jax (temporarily). I was just coming for the remicade tx, but I am going to stay whilst Lisa goes to work for 6 weeks, mainly to provide child care in the gap. My next tx is 3/28 and then possibly May 23.

The 2012 Jax 48Film Project is slated for June 15-17, Mak school ends June 6 and starts Aug 20.

So maybe an 8 week visit to TX? June 18- Aug 18??

I would need to be back for a treatment in there, unless I push the May 23 treatment a few weeks...