Nearing end of 4th week. Day 26.

Brooks came over tonight. He brought some Little Caesar's Pizzas. 

He wants to shoot a short based in an Edgar Allen Poe story- the facts in the case of m. Valdemar. It is a two person story- a dying man and a mesmerist (precursor to hypnotist). He ha started decorating his set 

Crown molding

Chair railing

Old armoire 

Window with curtains

Crazy. Here's what my arm looks like today:

Was it all just made up

When she was busy rescuing me in 2010, she told me her magic would not only heal me, but would sustain me. 

My cousin then saved me. 

A generous medical professional then took compassion on me. 

I was clear for 18 mos. 15 mos of that time was with her. Then, no veh, no where to go, she told me to leave. I had been sucking her tit (off and on) for 30 mos. I spent about 9 of those 30 mos away from her with my family. 

Where was the magic? Her husband began carrying on an extended affair-- with a woman in her mid50s whom he knew in high school. But that woman was looking for husband #3. HE could not be husband #3. He told the woman he was afraid to leave his kids alone with his wife. Did he love his wife?, this woman asked. He said there was not even an ember smoldering that could be sparked. That love was long gone. 

She had no magic. Or if she did, she decided, despite my absolute devotion, that I was unworthy. Either way, no magic. Fat globes are not magic, no matter how spectacular they are, esp. for a 44 yr old. 

I am sad. I really thought she was going to save me after that spectacular rescue. She was not. 

I am reflecting in this manner because my parents having left, I am again alone.  No one to ask, how are you? No one to give a shit. 

PASI -- 16% today. Involvement on each limb, appendage, front and back of torso & even genitalia. No palmoplantar involvement. 

National suicide (prevention) day

Look. I am in pain. Too much pain. Physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. 

I need an ending. I'm going to suffer through to one (hopefully) when the Psoriasis completely takes over. 

There's a lot of suffering that is involved in that. 

Where is the dignity?

My cousin is staying in a facility that costs $5,500/month. He has no physical ailments. Only mental & drug damage (not abuse- taken as prescribed). I wish I could see my cousin before the end. I wish I could have visited disney before the end. August was really my last chance for either of those.  It didn't happen. 

Abandoned. That's what happened to me. I should have been allowed to go in 2010. Now I have to go through this suffering all over again. Shit. 

To foot doc 9/5

 I made foot doc appt. I said no meds/docs. That commenced in mid-late July. 

This injury occurred after that, while I worked collecting garbage. During the 1st six collection days, I had two right foot sneakers fall apart, but got this injury on left foot. 

Work an (uncompensated) 7th day with this injury. 

I have struggled with this foot injury for just over one month. 

I had to pay $185 to this doc office today just to see him tomorrow. 

End of day 17

Today was a half bad half worse kind of day. 

I only was able to mow 3/4 of Mark's Moon Harbor lawn. 

Andrew came over, did some homework and some fishing. Nothing caught. 

Went to Olive Garden for never ending with Dave Rondeau. 50+ days apart. He was congenial. He asked me about Lisa & a lake in NC. Told him I don't know. I hadn't thought of her for quite a while. 

Later, I emailed her info about what's going on in St John's County Elem. Schools about writing and Lang Arts (TIDE). 

Foot- really unable to walk at all. 

Bought some bacon. Tomorrow's gonna be a better day. 

19 years. You like Wings?

Well I recd a text today from David Adam inviting me to never ending. 

I haven't heard from him since July 10. He did text a dinner invite both days of the Savannah 48 Hour weekend, and also texted thanks the day I moved Rose cross county from WRES to WHES. 

Things are progressing on the skin front. I 

Made foot doc appt. owe him $182. Luckily SSA started paying again today. 

Unlucky they shifted lump sum to outstanding default. 

I can barely walk 

Oddities of my time, Diana Nyad

Today, a 64 yr old lady completed a 110 mile swim from Havana, Cuba to Key West. This was not her first attempt. She tried when she was 29 in 1978 and few times in the last 3 years. 

She is the first person known to have done it without a 'shark tank.' She tried to speak afterward- her tongue was swollen from jellyfish bites. 

One thing she said was never give up on your dreams. Of course, this should be prefaced by "if you have money or supporters with money," as the costs to undertake this feat must have been huge. 

The photos of her swimming show her surrounded by 3 canoes or kayaks. It took 53 hours. She had 5 support boats and a total crew of 35. Like I said, $$$. 

I went out today for a BLT. It was $11. That's crazy. It was loaded with bacon. Came with salad & B & W cookie plus drink. After 1/2 I was full. Brought 1/2 home plus all if salad and 1/2 of cookie. 

Here's what I look like today:

Here's what foot looks like today:

It's Labor Day. I haven't had a full time job in over 3 years. #lettinggo