2012 is gone

I really did not think I would make it out of 2012. But I held on. Not sure why, or how much longer I can hold on.

Welcome 2013.

The song remains the same. The year begins infested with PsA. Skin and joints both heavily involved.

Diabetes is unchecked (478). Was so good during Vegan period. Return to Veganism today.

This year, major event was leg infection. Aunt Elvi & Uncle Jack's passing were big, too.

15 yr Summary:
1998: returned to Fla
1999: lumps in both sides of Chest, stopped working
2000: severe PsA (SSDI)
2001: established Az residency
2002: graduated ASU
2003: worked WDW, Johnny returned to insurance
2004: Citizens
2005: car accident
2006: custody of Mak
2007: Danielle died, graduated FSU
2008: begin of Mental issues (Dec-manic)
2009: DUI (May), Bipolar diagnosis (July)
2010: bad check firing, erythrodermic P
2011: (SSDI), Felony Check conviction, Tara died
2012: Leg infection, Uncle Jack & Aunt Elvi died

1 Yr Ann of Tara's passing~ from TU Guestbook

August 09, 2011
Tara, there are no words to express the loss your passing has created. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life. Mark, Matthew and Andrew, I love you guys and look forward to seeing you all soon.

— Joe Vautrin, Atlantic Beach, Florida

Here we are

Another sleepless night, I'm not sure what to make of it So tired, still I cannot sleep Treatment in the morning Always hopeful!

And yet, I pray daily for death to come. To free me from this misery. Pain, physical, mental, spiritual.

I do hope to at least make the trip to Texas. I hope I die out there. I just don't know how much more of this I can take.

Please. End. Now.

Ending. Where you at, dog?
My mind in a continual fog.
New element: constant abuse.
At this point, what's the use?

Cannot expect it to happen naturally.
Nor in my cards, fortuity.
So I must carefully plan.
Since others refuse to understand.

No notes, no clues.
An ending, rather, of this abuse.
This life an effrontery,
To the most basic of human decency.

Body broken, and my mind
Given all, yet called unkind.
By the one who promised magik;
If that's what this is, you can have it.

You should have left me as I was found
At least by now I'd be in the ground.
Or in an box, maybe an urn;
Either way, free from this earth.

Your pettiness, and my pain;
This futility, exercise in vain.
From nothing, nothing returned;
When, you may ask, will I learn?

All I have given, still;
You say nere from me to pay bills?
Nothing left to give.
No good reason to live.

Let me go. A patch that has finally worn.
Please, for me, do not morn.
DO NOT! I forbid you.
Especially after what you put me through.

Silent Darkness

All at once darkness.
All at once silence.
Darkness disturbed by a bright flash.
Note the variety of colors.
Silence disturbed by a cacophony.
Try and isolate the various sounds.
Flashes fade.
Sounds disappear.
A return to the silent darkness.

When will it end?

I have nothing left to give.
No reason to exist or live.
Life with out hope.
With my time I mope.
I need some hemlock to sip.

Pain is my Bane, yet Earthbound I remain.

What is this throbbing behind my eyes?
Also the back of my head, should I cry?
It's as someone is driving a chisel into my brain.
Oh what is the source of this pain?
A pain unto death, hence the use of "bane."
But I'm afraid "bans's" meaning is lost on this age.
Once thought of as unto death, meaning "slain."
Now watered down, more of an annoyance.
Not unto death, but rather something that can not be avoided.
"Bane of my Existence" as we say.
With no implication that weight be slain.
Circular my lines have become.
More to say, yet this verse will remain undone.