So little left to give

I give. She takes. There is little room for anything else. 

Why haven't I just walked away? 

Giving up

I should have been gone in 2005.  That was a action I took against myself. But she had medical POA over me and Danielle did not let me go.

In 2010 I could have gone, somewhat naturally. Lisa did not let me go and worked her magic to give me a reason not to go. I fought hard and made it most of the way back. 

In 2015 I tried to create a reason to stay. But everything is different. I am completely isolated from family, mostly abandoned by friends. No longer allowed to contribute to society. I do not see a successful resolution here. I have called upon this kid 2xs and both times she did not deliver. The thing is I Tried to create a situation where she would care about me. But she does not. And that is the reality. So now I just have to deal or lose. There is nothing left to hang onto. 

June-Jan same as May-Dec?

We didn't make 7 mos yet. I'm not sure we can. 

I'm worn out. I've lost (again). I miss the days of the girl with the unruly mane and her poop loops. 

It was the fact that she took me on that I exist today. Waiting for another episode. This young girl came a long. I thought her youth would be enough. It wasn't. It may have even been the reason for the negative issues. 

Selfishness. I've experienced it before right here in this house. 

So no motivation. No action. Only the lack of will to trudge on. But trudge on I must. 

Some parts of it were fun. Esp. early on. Until I said sex would not be a part. Patricia warned me about that, that excluding sex would be a problem. Whether she was right or wrong, I ended up wth he consequences she predicted. Oh, well. Look at my belly. Oh how it has grown again. 

Again sitting on the end of the bed for hours

Another trip here. And more nothing. I'm wary. 

2015 ending, now what?

2015 coming to an end. I've been told (again) my services are no longer required, that I am free to pursue other interests. Inevitable, obviously. 

My other situation has taken a radical shift. Instead of my time being occupied, I am now preoccupied with the fact that it is no longer occupied. Tough. 

The walls are closing in. Those who have remained, still, are wary of me. Who can blame them? I thought it would end at the end of year P23. That time came and went. I was caught up with my child-friend. She is winding me down now. I was surprised by that. Seems she's just hanging on for one last romp through WDW in January. 

I'm trapped. These is only one solution. Only I'm not manic or depressed right now. So how can I act?

Why stretch 6 into 7

This has totally taken me by surprise. Upon return to the abusive, no supportive spouse, she has turned against me and what we were. 

I should have considered the possibility. I failed to. I guess I was too caught up in all the things I was doing for her. 

Now she has vanished. But not completely. And every time I think it is turning back, I find it is not. Yet I keep investing more in the situation. When will I cut it? I have always been good at recognizing the signs before the final event and always ready to walk.

This is not like any of those. And I did not see the signs b/c there were none. It was either an ultimatum or… idk. But here I am, being tossed about in the wind of whim. I don't need it. There was something I needed. 

This circumstance has led me to believe that when the time comes I will not be able to get what I need. It makes me sad. But I need to come to grips with it. 

And deal. And do that thing that I am so good at. Rambling. It's time to be on my way. My investment is lost. There is no good left. Only more taking. I'm sad. I mean really sad. 

I am so aware that each and every situation I am in is only temporary. I am no one's solution. I am a filler until he real problem can be addressed. I never decide when it is over. I only have had a knack for recognizing the approach of the end. This time I was surprised.

But like I said, this situation is so incomplete. And completely based on my outputs. There is no give and take. I thought I was storing up for when I had a need. But I guess it was never the case.  

Beach weekend boomerang trip (not beach) And substitute

So the girl returned on Fri 10/30 We went to Ale House Fri Nt, Sea World Sat, Boston Lobster feast Sat nt, Busch Gardens Sun & Delmonicos Sun Nt. Mon she was fine in AM when leaving for airport at 5, but started being sick at airport. Missed flight. SWA put her on next non-stop. She got home and did not go to work.

Busch Gardens made this an epic trip for her. She is a huge giraffe fan. We signed up for a safari ($50/person extra). Epic photos of her with giraffe. 

Trip was not without uncomfortableness. I guess not being intimate with her on WDW trip out her in an awkward place. When asked, she said she no longer wanted me 'touching.' So I withdrew all contact. I went to Houston for 3 days that followed and continued the not touching, even though there we slept (actual sleeping) in the bed together. 

The trip there was somewhat productive for her. Helped her get a lot of things in order there in her home. 

Next up will be visiting her during Thanksgiving trip. She wants to return to WDW for Dec/Christmas, but cannot reconcile these events and her need to see herself as moral, even though I decided and told her I did not want that kind of situation with her and followed it up with inaction when she was looking for action last night of WDW trip.